The Song of Your Life

Pastor Anthony Calvert preached about "The Song of your Life" & "Singing in the Rain". It reminded me of the plate I had bought for my mom 9 months ago. It said:

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to be over

But learning to Dance in the Rain"

It made me really think, "What is my Life Song?". I don't really know but I know I will be thinking about it this week. One of the points that Pastor Anthony spoke was the fact that "Your Song" shouldn't stop during difficult times. It is easy to have a song when everything is going great. That I have definitely learned in 2009. But do you still sing that song when things are not so perfect in your life? The question in life is not if but when trouble comes how will you handle it. God can use your trouble to bring others to him. I think one of the most eye opening things that I have learned going thru a "trial" is that people are watching you. They are seeing how you are going to handle all of this under pressure, peers that have known you all your life or at least most of it are wondering, "Is she going to blame God and turn her back on him now?", was she all talk & no walk? So many questions with so many eyes. But I can honestly say I have not thought of turning my back on Him for one moment during any of this. It would be pointless.

So the next time we are going thru something I think we have to try not to be self centered and think God is doing us in & try to look at it as if God is using us maybe to help someone else.

Today we decided to go visit the cfa @ 29N near China Grove. It was literally a last minute decision as we were driving to church today. We wanted to see some friends that we had not seen in several months. So this was not planned at all. However, in the midst of the sermon, Pastor Anthony was talking about trials and he said verbatim, "Satan is attacking your small business & has brought cancer in your home." And then just proceeded with his sermon mentioned above. Wow!!! That is so us right now. It is not a coincidence, It was God. That was too on the spot and we just happened to be sitting in that service. Amazing & Wonderful. I had just prayed the day before with the boys in our nightly prayers, "God give us a sign, let us know you are still in control." Boy did He ever.

It never ceases to amaze me that God will take a moment for individual care for us personally. He is God & yet he takes the time to let us know He Knows. Just like the sparrow that falls and the hairs on our heads. Or in some of our cases the lack thereof. LOL

So today I am once again encouraged that God does have a plan & is still in control. I can't give up now because apparently God hasn't given up yet either. He told me so today!!!!!

Have an Marvelous Monday,

Rachael

Prayer Request: We have a new Realtor for 14 Jacobs Ridge House. We still need to sell it ASAP. Pray that the Realtor will have some connections/ideas and it will sell very soon. Thank you so much.

Back to School Week

Here are the boys on their first day of school. Chandler going to 4th Grade & Connor in 2nd Grade. They both were very excited. Grandma Lin made them pancakes for breakfast. What a way to start the day and the school year.

Connor has had green days all week. That is awesome for anyone who knows how last year went for us. So we are very proud of him. He gets his silly little grin on his face everyday when he comes home and he tells us he has a good day. Yeah for Connor. This is a very good thing & start for the year. Granted it is only 3 days but I will take it. Thank you Jesus!!! LOL

I have felt really good this week. Only sore from my fill on Monday. But after Monday I was fine. I didn't sleep that well last night. I kept trying to get comfortable and ended up making myself so sore. So I got up at 2 am and took 2 hydrocodone and went back to bed. I slept pretty good then. LOL But then had to get the boys up then back to bed again. Thank God for Mom being here to get them off. We have a pretty good system.

I have another fill tomorrow. I will be up to about 425 CC's total. I am about the size now that I was before but I think I am going a little bit bigger. "Go Big" Right!! LOL But not too big. Why not when you have a choice. It will make my hubby happy. LOL Just kidding. Kind Of!!!

Well I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. We are going to try and go to the beach next week for Mom's Birthday & Celebrate me being Cancer Free. Yeah. So I guess that will be my party Aunt Mary. Thanks for the terrific idea. You are the best.

Love to all,

Rachael

PS. Thank you to Treasure Valley Steel for the beautiful plant they sent to me in my recovery. I love it. I will keep it always and remember what it represents. Thanks again.

Prayer

On Friday I had another fill. This one was not so comfortable. I was pretty sore this weekend but feeling better today. Just tired. I think I overdid it shopping with Shane and Chandler for school clothes on Saturday. No nap. Chris, Shane's mom, stayed with us till Saturday afternoon. It was so nice to have her spend a few days with us. We all went out to eat at Tsunami on Friday night and then went shopping for school supplies for the boys. On Saturday, she went and did my grocery shopping for us. That was so awesome and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful mother in law that is so willing to help us out. The boys met their teachers. Connor is now excited to start school because he says his teacher is really, really nice. So I am glad for that. They start Tuesday. Wow!! The summer really flew by.




Today Pastor Doug Witherup talked about a "Praying Church". His text was from Acts Chapter 12 about when Peter was in prison. The church was praying for his release but even in the midst of Peter being in prison according to vs. 6 he rested. How can that be? Well I guess because he knew who was in control & maybe just the fact that he was tired but I like the first idea better.



He was saying how even in the midst of your trials/prison/chains that you are going thru that could be your testimony or example to those around you. That meant a lot to me because sometimes when you are going thru "IT", it is hard to feel like you are doing anything of value to God. But maybe how you handle it can really be your testimony. I know some days my testimony is not so good or depressing and for that I am sorry, but human. I am trying and we are slowly making to the other side. But I think under the circumstances we have all done pretty well.



Back to the sermon, when Peter finally arrived at the home of all the people that were praying for him that didn't believe it and he was left standing out in the cold. Just waiting. Pastor Doug said something so profound but simple. "Sometimes the answer to our prayers in right there at the door and all God is waiting for is for us to open the door." It seems so simple but that is all that we have to do.


I think a lot of times we try to make it too hard and God is just standing there knocking & waiting at the door with our answer. Why do we do that? Human nature I expect. But I for one am going to try a lot harder not only to hear that small still voice but also that gentle knocking on the door.

Good Night
Have a great Week
Rachael

Correction & Wisdom

This week we have been trying to get the boys ready for school. Chandler we pretty much had to just start over in his closet. It was crazy. How does a little boy grow so much in a few months. Connor too. He jumped from a 7 to a 10 pants/shorts. You would never know it to look at him but he is. He is his father's son. Those legs & butt just need a little more room than the average kid his age. LOL. We took Connor shopping Tuesday Night. He didn't really want to go but he liked being able to spend time with just Mommy & Daddy. We enjoyed it too. Then we had dinner at Five Guys. His favorite hamburger joint. Daddy's too I think. I spent last night and this morning cleaning out Connor's closet. He has a ton of size 7 stuff that does not fit at all ans some 8's. So he had to try everything as far as shorts and pants on. Not his idea of fun at all. I am glad it is finally done though.


Chandler is coming home today from Grandma Chris' & Papa Robin. They have meet the teacher on Friday Night and we still have to take him shopping for school clothes. Maybe sometime this weekend. He wanted to stay the weekend but too many things going on in the next few days that need to be done. Audra brought the triplets over that she nannies. And Yessie came with Bella and they picked up Connor and Caitlyn to go swimming. Mom had a few things she needed to get done and appointments. I still can't pick up Caitlyn so someone has to be with me or her all the time. I hate it but for now that is the way it is. Hopefully they are having fun.


So the more I dwell, read & pray about the way things keep coming along in life....The more I have a peace about it all. God has promised never to leave or forsake us...especially when we need him. Maybe he just wants us to depend on him and not ourselves more. I have faith that God will direct Shane, Mom & Tony and give them the wisdom to make whatever decisions that are in the best benefit for our company. He has never let us down yet and we have always felt like there was a hedge around us. WE just have to keep trusting & believing that God is in Control. It is easier said than done but it is much easier than the alternative to worry about it.

Proverbs Chapter 3

5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

11My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:
12For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.
13Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

So I guess I have decided to trust him at look at it as if my Dad was correcting me because he loves me and is trying to protect me from something that he knows will harm me or will better me. But man I can't wait to find that wisdom & understanding.

But regardless "As for me and my house we will be Happy" No matter what!!

All my love,

Rachael

Mountain Top -vs-The Valley

Lately I know for a lot of people these times have been really tough. The economy stinks and it affects everyone. Sometimes we are overly blessed and in the past it may have blown over and not affected you or those close to you. But is seems that NOW in these days someone always knows someone if it is not you yourself.


I have given my whole philosophy about the mountain top and the "valley of the shadow of death" based off one of Pastor Ross' sermons. To reiterate and remind, the mountains cause the shadows in the valley. Valleys are beautiful with lush grass & flowing streams. Mountain Tops are however pretty rocky and rough to climb especially. So why we say we want to be on the Mountain or that "I am in a valley right now" which usually means a "hard time" I don't really understand.


Right now in our lives it feels like I am climbing up to the mountain top & boy is it a rough climb at this moment. Between work(not the best time to be in new construction), divorce in our family(not Shane & I)my moms health & my health issues. It is all becoming very overwhelming and I admit I am letting it get the best of me. I am worrying about that which I have no control over but it is also stealing my joy. It seems that as I am climbing towards the mountain top I am looking back over my shoulder at how things were or how I think that they are supposed to be or to stay that way. And I just want to scream, "WHY GOD!!! Why now when everything felt like it was going so well. " It feels like it is all at once and I am at a breaking point. However, maybe what we were doing was not God's will but ours and the prayers of "Not my will but Your Will be done" are happening. Just not like I think it should. But his ways are usually better than ours. And I believe others in the Bible were recommended to "Do not look back"

But I guess in the midst of my questions is also my answer. Maybe we were too comfortable with our lives and our lifestyles that we needed to be shaken. I don't really know. I still am not angry. I am just so broken & confused. But maybe that is where God needs me to be right now so that I can put my trust solely in him. Not my parents & not my husband but in God. I am so dependent on Shane that maybe for both of us God is trying to say, "Trust ME" I have never had to start all over as an adult and especially with 3 children. But it may someday come to that. I think that is what scares me to death. I watched my parents do it in Texas & then Mom & Tony in North Carolina. Will I be able to be as strong for my kids and do what they did for us as kids? I pray to God we can & will.

Mom showed me her devotional for today & yesterday. The scripture was:

Philippians 4:6-7 (New International Version)
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 5:7 Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.

How easy it is in our earthly minds & thinking to forget that God cares and knows our needs even before we ask. He gives us peace. That sounds so much better than worrying, crying & trying to figure it out on my own. "God please help me to truly give it all over to you. Help me to Trust in you like never before.Give Shane, Mom & Tony wisdom in the weeks/months to come & please give me back my Joy!!" Amen

I really intended to go to bed. It is late but this just would not go away in my mind for me to even lay down and try to sleep. If nothing else it was for me to see "in Black N White" for myself what God is gently whispering to me. I hope that I can hear His small still voice always.

I can't see the other side of the mountain or even the Lush Beautiful Valley that we will be going to next, but I do know who is our Guide up and over. He wants what is best for my family & even though it feels like we are all being spread out right now, He is still in control. His plans are even better than I could ever imagine. I know he will never leave or forsake me so why on earth would I ever leave his side now. When I was born they told my mom I was dead. I wasn't breathing. It was only several minutes later that they brought me back in to give me to my Mom. She was sobbing for the loss of her baby girl. She had already had 2 miscarriages. But what they placed in her arms was a beautiful & healthy baby girl. My Daddy told me he wanted a boy first, but when he held me for the first time he knew God gave him just what he needed. I have been in a car accident falling asleep at the wheel of car going 75mph at least, crashed and crossed 85 S to 85 N back to 85 S. Not a scratch and only rear ended one vehicle with no injures. What a Miracle. And Most recently GOD HEALED ME FROM BREAST CANCER!!!Surely God has not brought me thru all of that to leave or forsake me now. He has plans for my life and my family. He is not done with us yet.

I may look back on this time and like the story of the man on the beach with one set of footprints, but I will know He was carrying me thru these times when I have not had the strength walk or climb it on my own.

Yessie had emailed me the words to this Miley Cyrus song called, The Climb. With a few word changes this could be an awesome worship song.

The Climb

By Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming but There's a voice inside my head sayin, You'll never reach it,

Every step I'm taking, Every move I make feels Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking but I Got to keep trying Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle,

Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing, The chances I'm taking

Sometimes might knock me down but No I'm not breaking I may not know it

But these are the moments thatI'm going to remember most

Just got to keep going

And I, I got to be strong

Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain

I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move

Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes you going to have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there,

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb. Keep on moving Keep climbing Keep the faith

It's all about It's all about The climb

Keep the faith Keep your faith

Valley here we come!!!

Love your Survivor

Rachael Renea

How I wrote this with no spelling errors this late on 2 hyrocodones, ambien & lorazapam is a miracle in itself.

I am a Survivor

Well I guess now I can officially say, " I AM A SURVIVOR!!" It is a little weird because of how I feel, look & everything that I still have to go thru I feel like I still have breast cancer. It is still a long road to haul. So even though I have the free and clear it doesn't feel like it is "GONE"

I am feeling better each day stronger just really sore. Everyday Mom or Shane asks how I feel and I feel like a broken record, "Sore" but that is how I feel.

My mom dyed my grey hair the other night. It was just a semi permanent. I didn't want to damage what little hair I do have. It seems to be growing more now that I am done with chemo. Thank God. My eyebrows and lashes are also coming back in.

The boys have one more week before they start back to school. I am not really ready for that but I am sure it will make things a little easier on Mom. Although they pretty much take care of themselves for the most part. Caitlyn is really going to miss them. She calls Chandler "Bruber Chander" It is too cute. She loves her brothers. And he has been a big help. When mom can't he puts Caitlyn on the changing table or in the crib for me. Connor helps too by playing with her a lot in her room or downstairs. I will miss them when they are gone all day. I just hope they have really good teachers this year.

Shane is working in Charleston today and will be back tomorrow. I miss him already knowing he won't be home tonight.

Audra took the kids today to a indoor play area for several hours. That was a big help to mom so she could get work done here. Travis is coming home tomorrow so that will be nice. He hasn't been home in about 3 weeks. I haven't seen him since my surgery. I hate when he is away. I will be so glad when he settles down, gets married, has some kids and is closer to home. The kids have really gotten attached to him since he got out of the military he has been home so much more.

Well I am going to go for now.
All my love
Rachael

Really Good News

On Friday afternoon my surgeon called and let me know that I had on small tumor about 1.25cm in size left but that it was non malignant. All of my other cancer was gone. I have the free and clear. The chemotherapy worked and it was all gone when they went in for my bilateral mastectomy. I am so thankful. It would be horrible to have to do more chemo on top of everything else. We serve an awesome God.

I have more Doctors appointments this coming week. I did get two of my drains out on Thursday. Shane keeps saying, "Well it should feel better getting those 2 out right?" Yeah except for the screwdriver size holes in my side now. Those stupid things hurt. The tubing was in about 5 inches or so inside of me and she says, "Take a deep breath and blow out." And she just yanks it out. It is not quite as painful as it sounds but it doesn't look to good. I go back on Tuesday for her to take out the last drain and to start "pumping" me up. She will start at about 50 cc's of saline maybe a little more. I have to get about 300 cc's total before I start radiation in 3 weeks. Otherwise I will have to wait 2 months after radiation to have the implants put in as opposed to 2 weeks. That is a big difference. So we will hopefully get there in time.

I have herceptin on Monday at 12pm and meet with Dr. Lemantani. I am sure he will be pleased with my pathology report. Then I meet with my surgeon Dr. Turk later that afternoon around 4pm. Hopefully he will take some of the these stitches out. I had a few moles removed while he was cutting things off it I didn't already tell you that. Shane just shook his head.

Shane took the boys to church this morning. I hate missing but that is a lot of people and I am just to sore to take a chance on getting bumped and hugged to hard. Plus I think I walk funny with my arms. I feel like I have these "fat rolls" under my arms and they won't lay down by my sides right. It feels weird anyway.

I did go to the boys camp on Friday though. They were surprised and happy to see me. Both of us really. They were so dirty. Their toes were filthy. Chandler's flip flops broke and he was wearing his counselors sandals that were about 2 sizes to big. They both crashed in the truck on the way home. We stopped and ate BBQ on the way home. Chandler was telling us he learned some new worship songs and was singing them. One of them was Rescue by Newsong back in 2005. Connor says I like the one, "We will We Will Rock You!!!" LOL Leave it to Connor.
Then we are at home eating dinner Saturday night and he says, "Mom they had this drink at camp called Cheerwine. "(For you none southerners it is a cherry soda drink here. Local I think to the area) Sounding a little hesitant says, "And I tasted it. But it didn't taste like wine just like cherry drink" He was laughing. Like it was so silly. LOL He is a riot. I asked him if he tasted it because he thought it was wine. He gave me a shy look and said, "Yeess" Too Funny. I will have to watch that one.

I am feeling stronger but it is weird that my mastectomy sites don't hurt other than the aching "phantom nipples". Under my arms and in my shoulder blades in the back. I may take a few pictures of up under my arms and post. We will see. I still can't really pick anything or anyone Caitlyn up but I have to make myself to exercises and reach to try and get full movement back in my arms. It does hurt more than I thought it would. I guess more because of the expanders. I had heard the mastectomy wasn't that bad but when they put those expanders underneath your actual muscle to stretch & expand your skin it is painful and very sore. I am not used to having everyone do everything for me or having to ask. If Mom wanted to feel more useful she is getting her fill of it now. She cleaned out all my cabinets today and rearranged things. Thank you Mom.

Well I hope everyone has a great and fulfilling week.

All my love,
Rachael

Keep Moving On

Today is Thursday and I have my first post op appointment at Dr. Criswell's. I am hoping they will take at least 2 of the 3 drains out. They are really uncomfortable and the stitches are annoying me. Only one of the drains continues to have about 15 cc each time so not sure if she will take that one out.


Under my arms it feels really swollen, numb and distorted. Not quite sure if that is from the lymph nodes or just the surgery in general. I am pretty bruised in some areas. Where I should have a cleavage it is flat and then spans out just a little. My "breasts" right now looked really deformed and abnormal. All of the comments about how well they look, and considering what I have been thru do not help. I still feel horrible when I look at myself. Self esteem is pretty low right now. One of the weird things is I have a "phantom" feeling of sorts. I have heard of people who lose a limb but not a breast having it. But it feels like when you are nursing your baby and they cry and it is time to feed them, you get this tingling feeling. How weird that I feel it now. It makes me sad too though because I know I will never have or be able to nurse another baby of my own. I am grateful for the ones I did but it seems like a painful reminder of what it was like.


I am still slow and mild pain. I take ambien to go to sleep and stay asleep. When you have to sleep on your back no matter what & you are not used to it, it makes it hard to go to sleep. Mom has been great getting me anything I might need. And Shane when he gets home too. I miss the boys a lot. They come home from camp tomorrow. Yeah. They have an award ceremony before they come home. I am going to see how I feel and maybe go.


The things you take for granted. Taking a shower by yourself, even getting dressed. I can only lift my arms so high right now. Hard to put a shirt on. Plus you have all these tubes and drains to maneuver around also. It pulls even to pick up a full cup of coffee. Taking a deep breath without feeling pressure. Picking up you baby girl when she is crying for you. It hurts not to be able to. And the way I feel it will probably be a week more. Fixing dinner. Just everyday things. Even typing it pulls in your upper arms. Who knew! Audra is taking care of Caitbug, mom went to get a few things at the store. My neighbor Stacie is bringing dinner/dessert by tonight. Ashley made us Tuesday, salad, corn casserole, & beef tips over rice & dessert. It was Yummy. Thank you so much Ashley.


I am feeling a little stronger everyday. It is just such a slow process. Shane constantly reminds me that this is only the first phase of surgeries and there will be more to come that will make everything look better. God I really hope so. I will let you all know how post op goes today. Thank you for your prayers.

Rachael

I am back....slowly

The last few days have been slow & painful. Not necesssarily sharp pain but dull aching feeling and soreness under my arms and in the additional port sites where they will pump up the expanders. The expanders are actually placed underneath my muscles, hince all the soreness and pain. I just last night finally looked at them. Shane says considering what I just went thru they look really good. A lot better than he thought. I guess better than I thought too, but the actually inscisions are still covered up. I still feel somewhat empty and sad for the part of me that I have lost. I know some would say, "No big deal you get new ones and better ones." But I was really Ok with what I had and I miss them. I am still really numb under my arms for some reason and my skin is pulled really tight. I can only stretch my arms so far or bend over so far before "something" hurts.

I also had 4 moles removed. One was between my toes. Caitlyn said,"Fy mom. I get it. Yuky fy mom. Get it." She thought my stitches were a fly between my toes. LOL Then Connor when he say me he said, " Mom I thought they were taking all of them." Well they did just the expanders make it "appear" to have "some breast tissue". Chandler has been very caring & doting on me. Making sure I don't need anything. Caitlyn points and says, "BooBoo" quite often but she tries to be careful when sitting beside me. The boys left for church camp this week. We pick them up on Friday late morning. They kind of did not want to go after being gone from home and each other so long. But I think they will be fine and they are together so it shouldn't be too bad.

Audra, my brother Travis' girlfriend, is here helping out with Caitlyn this week. Mom has payroll tomorrow. So that is very nice not to have to worry about.


My overall experience in the hospital was good. One nurse that brought me back from surgery to my room was a little rude. I was in so much pain and trying to tell them and 3 of them were trying to pull me on a sheet from one bed to another. I couldn't stop crying for the pain and the nurse grabbed my feet together shook them, which hurt like all get out, and told me to calm down. THAT did not help at all. Now I was mad too. The finally got me to bed and I told them to get Shane. He came pretty quick. Thank God. Later Yessie, Ashley, & Holly came up to see me. I couldn't stay awake but I did know they came by. Thank you guys for that. Sorry I wasn't much company. Dustin and Yessie came by Friday and got us dinner, "House of Taipei" the best Chinese food ever. Mom was there off and on too but she was helping with Chandler. She had gone and got him and the Tillman home. They were so gracious to let Chandler stay with Heath for 2 nights. Thanks Tillman Family for the help.

Everyone has been wonderful. Neighbors have come by, Ashley is making us dinner tonight, the flowers, all the emails, facebook & blog messages have been read and much appreciated. I am sorry that I am not up to replying to all of them individually. Have have the best group of friends and family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Thanks Honey for keeping everyone posted & updated. I love you & know I could never walk this without you by my side.

All my love,
Rachael