Giving Our Best

Shane & I at the Rob Thomas Concert

Well last week was a mess. Other than Caitlyn's Birthday of course. Starting with Monday with my doctors appointments. So I went back on Tuesday and had 100cc more taken out. I felt like I was shrinking away. I went back to the Radiation Oncologist that afternoon. He says, "We are going to need to take more out." "What?" At that point I dissolved into tears. He apologized profusely but what could I do. They were trying not to radiate my heart and lungs. Who am I to argue with that. So I went back on Wednesday morning and had more taken out. Another 100 cc's, go back to R.Oncologist, guess what? Still to big. Are you joking???? Thursday rolls around and I go and have 175 cc's taken out, just to be sure we have enough this time. They were able to do all of my scans & make my markings. This is done with a paint pen and then a clear sticker put over that so it won't come off in the shower. I finally went home. On Friday, they call and say they just can't get the right angle without radiating part of my right breast. If they do I could get cancer in that side also. How does that work? Use it on the left to kill cancer but if you do it on the right you get cancer? Crazy Huh??!! My sentiments exactly. So yet again I had to go in this Monday for them to do some kind of bra that is heated at 160 degrees in water and then placed directly across my chest. Very hot for about 5 seconds. Then they placed a 40 lb lead weight on my right breast to squish it down and out of the way. Next they clamped the sides of this magnificent plastic bra down to the metal slab I was laying on. It took 2 hours. My back was so sore. What an ordeal. I really was thinking I am just going to skip this part of treatment and move on. But then I thought of how far I have already come and just a little more. Next I thought if this cancer ever came back and I didn't do everything in my power to fight it, I would never forgive myself. So I go back today for the final films and markings and start actual radiation therapy tomorrow at 11:30am. WooHoo!!!

In church on Sunday, we were singing the song: "Giving my Best to You Lord"

There've been many times that I've let You down

Searching for happiness but none to be found

To think that the price

You paid for me

Wasn't in vain all that agony

But I'm here to say

I've had my ups and my downs

But I am here now to stay

Because of the love that I've found

Now I'm giving my best to You Lord

All that I have

I won't withhold

Giving my best to you Lord

All of my heart and all of my soul

I just wept. Have I really been giving God my best? I feel as if right now in my life I don't have that much to offer him. But what about when I felt like I did and everything in our lives were going so great? Giving my best sometimes in the hard times of life when we feel as if God has stripped us down to nothing worth offering or serving him with anything worthy of him is when God is finally ready for us to give HIM our Best. He had to take something away to get us to the place where he could use us. He had to strip away our pride, unbelief & take us from our comfort zones to get our attention. Boy does He have mine!!!

I still feel very humbled though at the thought that at times when I would pray for me & my family that God would help us to draw nearer to him that he heard my cry. Lowly me and has used Breast Cancer to shake the very foundation of what we thought was our "Perfect Life". Do I like having to go thru this or see my family go thru this? NO. But when I see us as a family drawing closer together and them growing in Christ. It is worth every trial & heartache. And when things someday go back to "normal" or what they used to be, I will appreciate & enjoy every moment that much more knowing how blessed we really are. I don't think I really thought that before. My thinking was more along the lines of "Thank you God for allowing me to have such a hard working husband who provides for us." Well that is true, but God is the true giver of all things & I know I didn't appreciate how "Good" our life truly was. Yes I knew we were doing well, have a nice home & 3 beautiful children but not really comprehending "What a Wonderful Life" we really was.

Last night, Shane took me to a Rob Thomas concert. I hadn't really listened to much of his music but found I really did enjoy it. A few of the songs had a deep heart felt meaning to them. And as I stood there on a cool September evening with the love of my life standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me, I again was overwhelmed of how blessed I am. We still have each other and our children and no matter what that is what matters. The words to one of the songs:

Ever the Same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down

Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Hey, look at us man... This doesn't need to be the end!

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

And I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Hearing Shane sing in my ear of how we are cold, scared and shaken but to just "Fall on Me". It was literally music to my ears. The part about being a burden made me cry all the more. I have felt that way thru out this "Journey" but I assure you it has never been because my husband has made me feel that way. He has been awesome thru this whole thing. And I love him desperately forever because he is always there for me no matter what.

As I write I am somewhat convicted that as much as I fall on Shane, our heavenly Father wants us to "Fall on Him". As much as I love Shane, which sometimes is so overwhelming to me the love that I feel for this man that God gave to me & I know he loves me, however How Much More Does Our Heavenly Father Love Us!"

Father forgive me for taking your love and protection for granted. I know you have our lives in your hand & I cannot wait to see what you have on the other side of this mountain for our family. It must be awesome. Help me to trust you completely. Take me, for what I feel like is a broken vessel, and use me as you will. I cast all of my cares on you. Help me to leave them with you. Amen

So again I am reminded of how blessed I am and I have a very thankful heart right now. Now matter what is going on in our lives or the world around us, I am loved by God, my husband & children.

Love & Prayers,

Rachael

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

The Birthday Girl Loved her Cake!!

Brain & Emilie

Our Cousins

Ranae', Amanda, & Tia Lupe

Uncle Chris & Josh

Emilie, Ranae', & Tia Marta

CaityBug on the Slide

Heath Tillman

Chris & Robin Higginbotham

Audra with her mom Beverly & Dad Mitch

High School Friends Reconnecting
Thanks for coming you guys
Michael & Amy Pilato



Caitlyn & her Cousin Kira
Both with Big Blue Eyes



Ranea' & her nephew Chandler

Caitlyn's Friend Aiden

Caitlyn playing with the soccer ball

Connor at the playpark

Our Friends & Neighbors

David & Stacie

(No they are not married just friends in our lovely Flowers Farm Neighborhood)

We wouldn't want to start our own personal

Desperate Housewives Premiere
1

Our nephew Gavin

Grandma Lin & Tia Marta

My Baby Girl is finally 2 years old. How does two years go by so fast? When we went to the fair there was a mom nursing her baby. I heart broke for I know I will never be able to experience that feeling again & the longing for one more baby but as it looks now that will not happen. So once I again I have to trust God that he has a better plan than what was my own.

We went to a local park. It misted the whole time we were there but the kids played anyway and still had fun. We had Sticky Fingers for lunch and it was delicious as usual.

I know that Caitlyn has no idea of how much joy she has brought us but she really has. She has quite a sense of humor for a 2 year old. Her brothers treasure her and pray all the time that they are thankful for their sissy. And she is adored by all of her grandparents which are quite extensive. She actually has living...5 Grandparents & 5 Great Grandparents. I only hope they all live to see the beautiful young lady that I know she is going to grow up to be.

So my prayer today for my little girl is that God would help us to help her have the desire to grow up to become a godly woman and want to have her own relationship with Christ. I don't want her to just go thru the motions or to it because she feels like she has to or that someone is going to check up on her but instead I want it to be the most precious desire in her life that she wants to do regardless of whatever else is going on in her life. And that hopefully she will be a light in this dark world. In Jesus Name Amen.

Thank you to all who were able to make it to her birthday party and all of the beautiful gifts. We are always humbled by the love shown to us by our family & friends. We are truly rich in life.

Love,

Rachael

Pictures of Our Night at the Fair

Caitlyn reading her Gideon Bible

Caitlyn riding with Big Brother

We had so much fun!!

Thank You Dada

Not My Plans

Four Generations

Shane, Me & Papa Fred

Chandler & Gavin

What a Big Boy for not even 6 months!!

He already weighs 21lbs!!!

He is an absolute dollbaby & We love him!!!

Papa & the Girls



Chandler & Mommy

Shane, Caitlyn & I

On Friday we all went to the Cabarrus County Fair. The kids loved it. We ate all the horrible fried foods that are so unhealthy for us but we had a lot of fun. Caitlyn wanted to ride everything. She kept saying, "I wride" to it all. She loved the corn on the cob the best. Me too.

Saturday was a uneventful day at home, but nice and relaxing. Shane fixed a few things around the house...boys bathtub, change can lights, & finished putting surround sound in the Living Room.

Sunday morning we got up early and left the house by 8:30am. Shane's brother Travis was having his little boy, Gavin dedicated in Durham, NC. He is our only nephew so we wanted to be there. It was a little weird going back to the church up there. We have only been back there a few times since we left July 97. I didn't wear my wig upon my husband's request who seems to think I am really hot with what little hair I have. LOL He must be going blind in his old age. Oh well. Anyway that is one way to turn heads when the last time you saw them you definitely had a head full of hair. Oh well. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

After church we went to have lunch at Shane's parents house. It was very good and Chris had everything ready because she was up till 4am cooking all the salads and side dishes. Shane's request was Chocolate Delight for dessert. Yummy!!! We took a lot of family pictures. As you can see. Above are a few......

Today I had my herceptin treatment and a Dr. Appt at 11am. That went well. I asked about having periodic scans to make sure the cancer hasn't returned somewhere else. But Dr. Lemantani doesn't really recommend it. But if I have any problems with pain that wasn't there before, doesn't go away, lasts longer than a few weeks he will immediately schedule a scan. My chances of having cancer reoccur somewhere else are about 20-30%. Sounds pretty high to me but I know that is a 70-80% that I won't get it. I guess that is all in how you look at it.

After that Shane and I had lunch and then to my Radiation appointment at 2pm. However I got in there laying on the CAT scan table and they said my breast were to big and too close together. "Are you kidding??!!!" Apparently the angle in which the radiation laser has to hit can't go between my "cleavage". So I have to go back to the plastic surgeon tomorrow morning and go back to Radiation at 1pm. So another full day of Doctor's Appointments. I think the biggest thing that I hate is this is so not what I wanted. I had this plan all in my mind that I would have radiation, then a few weeks later be able to have my reconstructive surgery, but now I found out that I have to wait at least 6 weeks after radiation to have the surgery because the skin won't heal properly after having gone thru radiation until at least 6 weeks later. That will make the surgery not until the 2nd or 3rd week of December. I wanted all of this done before the holidays so that I could enjoy them. And now on top of that I have to be deflated.

So I am a little bummed out. But as I laid on my bed "pouting" about "my plans" not working out I felt that I heard a small still voice, "Remember I have plans for you. Not to harm you but to prosper you and give you hope. In two books that I recently (like in the last week) read that was the theme scripture.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sometimes, Ok a lot of times, during this "journey" of ours I have questioned what the outcome of all of this will be. Guess what??? I still don't know, but I do know he has a plan for me and our family's future. It is not "MY plans or MY time frame" but God's. It is so hard to remember that when things are not going how I had planned or wanted them to. But if I continue to listen & obey that voice that gently reminds me He is there. I will be OK no matter what.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Rachael

Survived or Surviving by Faith

Today on the way to my Echo for my heart I was listening to the local Christian Radio Station New Life 91.9. The topic of the morning was 'Things we have Survived or Surviving". I was so overcome with emotion at what I am surviving: Breast Cancer. At first, I wasn't going to call in because most of the calls were light and funny. But I thought of the scripture, "We overcome by the word of our testimony. What better way to thank God for all he has done in my life but to let everyone and as many people that I know how Thankful I am that he has brought me through Cancer. I know there are a lot of women who have gone thru this before me and more will have to go thru it until they find a cure. But I just wanted God to know publicly, "Thank You Jesus for giving me a second chance at life to be able to be with my wonderful husband, see my children grow up & live for him for as long as I can."


Thank you to the 91.9 Morning Team for allowing me to give a small part of my testimony.
You can see Erica's blog from this morning at www.newlife919.com



A few friends heard and texted or emailed me. That was kind of cool. Not my purpose but cool never the less.



My ankle is doing much better and I am able to walk on it more. Still a little sore but at least it wasn't broken and I would have to be in a cast on top of going thru Radiation.


Have a terrific Thursday,
Rachael

Faith never knows where it is being led,

But knows & loves the One who is leading.

-Oswald Chambers

9/11/2009 My 100th Post: Never Forget

How fitting that my 100th Blog Post would be on this day. May we never forget where we have come from, the sacrifices of those who died that horrible day. I was at home with Chandler. He was about 13months old & we were planning a trip to Cancun Mexico to leave the very next day. Needless to say we didn't go but I will never forget holding Chandler in my arms and thinking what kind of world have I brought this child into? But since then I have decided that we cannot live in fear of what may happen in our country or our lives. I have since brought

2 more babies into this crazy world of ours & I think if I would have given into the fear what I would have missed out on. Life is like that though in everything.

I am sorrowed for the lives that were taken involuntarily on that day, but amazed by the lives & sacrifice for the ones who Voluntarily went in to save others. Some it was their job but a lot just wanted to help their fellow countrymen & women. Then I am so grateful for our Troops who also signed up to serve their country no matter what. I am sure most did not expect to ever have to go fight a war that would last this long in this day and age but here we are 7 years later and our troops are still fighting. I have 2 brother both of who have served our country. My brother, Travis has been to Iraq & Afghanistan & by the grace of God came home safely. There are a lot who didn't and more who won't.

Never Forget the Sacrifice for all of those involved. We should support our Troops even if we do not support the reason they are over there. They are doing it for us.

Just as I will remember how far we as Americans have come in the last 8years. I will also remember how far I personally have come in Our Journey. Thank you again for all of the prayers & support.

Have a Memorable Weekend in our Country the Home of the Free & the Brave

Rachael

My Hair is back Slowly

A Little Cleavage Too!!!

Mommy & Caitlyn

Side View

Top View


Not the best pictures, but better than that beach picture. I am so glad that my hair is slowly coming back. The color is really weird. A combo of blonde, white, & brown ash color. But it is hair. I guess it is what it is. Most people say I just look like one of those chic girls with a really short haircut. I am not skinny enough for that but it is all I've got now. So Shane says Flant It. I do sometimes but I still where my wigs also. But I have noticed it is coming back a lot quicker since I finished chemo. So that is awesome. Before I know it I will have more hair than I know what to do with. "I Can't Wait" I will never complain about having too much hair again.

I Am by Chandler Higginbotham

If you can't read it, just double click on his poem and it will give you a larger view. It was just too cute not to share.

What is Normal?

Caitlyn on the stairs after eating a tomato from the garden!

How blessed I am for a beautiful baby girl.

Hold Me Mama?

This has been an awesome week. I have felt more normal this week than I think I have since all of this started 7 months ago. It feels like forever. It is weird the simplest things that I have noticed this week that have made me feel normal.

1. Being able to put Caitlyn down for naps & at night to bed.

Getting her back to her routine.

2. Helping the boys with homework.

3. The smell of my Paul Mitchell hairspray.

(And Yes I actually have enough hair to use hairspray finally)

4. Doing my own laundry

5. Walking in the neighborhood 3 1-2 miles.

Crazy the things that you think nothing of "normally" & when you can't do it you want it back.

So I am very thankful for this week & feeling so great.

I had another fill today. Another 50 cc's. So think that puts me at 565 cc's all together. The most I can "hold" is 700-750. So I am almost there if I want to go "big". I feel like I am there all the time. Twice a week for about the last 5 weeks. So total when I am done will have been 13 fills. My radiation planning has been rescheduled to the 21st due to a board meeting the Shane & Mom need to attend. So that actually will give me the chance if I want for 2 extra fills. This week I have not been sore at all except in the mornings after my fills. I guess my skin is getting used to the stretching finally or my chest muscles have adjusted accordingly.

Wednesday Mom had to drive my truck to church for a Dave Ramsey Financial Class that she signed up for. Dustin needed her car to go to work because it was raining and he couldn't ride his motorcycle to work that night. Anyway she comes home and says, "You need new tires. 2009." And went to her room. So of course I am trying to figure out what the deal is. And apparently on her way to church the tire pressure light came on and she had to pull over to Sears. It was gushing out so fast by then she ran in to Sears before it got to the rim. There was some kind of metal piece in there. So they had to put the spare on the truck. So now it looks like a ghetto truck. LOL Anyway...I don't know if it was from the wreck and just now lodged it way into the tire itself and the air proceeded to gush or if it was just something on the road. Who knows.

I was talking to an old friend yesterday and told her, "It doesn't help to cry anymore over all this. So you can only laugh."

For the weekend we are having a lazy weekend at home without any plans to do anything. Yeah!! Sounds like fun Huh?? I think so. Shane is going to the Panther Game on Sunday and Chandler was invited to a friends to have a "Panther 1st Game Party". So he is excited about that. The rest of us will probably take a nap & Connor will probably play Xbox. He really does not like the fact that school gets out later this year and he has less play time. He was in tears over it yesterday. He will adjust I am sure.

I hope everyone has a safe & productive weekend.

Love,

Rachael

Our Labor Day Beach Trip

As you can see from our pictures we had an awesome time. It was very relaxing and we almost all read at least one book. I think Shane read two. My mom said she has never seen so many reading people in one beach house at the same time. We discovered a new game called, "Imagine iff...." It was a lot of fun and a good family game. Even the kids were able to play and loved it.

We ate at the beach house the whole time. We had chicken Parmesan, salsa verde chicken casserole, shrimp boil, crab legs, waffles, biscuits & gravy, Audra's Hershey Cake & homemade ice cream. It was delicious. We could not have gone out and ate any better or cheaper.

It rained the day we left, which makes it easier to leave but I still hate leaving. I love the beach and the relaxation that it brings. The kids love it and play all day & sleep hard all night. Bella was able to get in the water for the first time and she loved it. She just crawled around on the sand and let the water come up on her and would laugh and keep on crawling.

As you can see from the one bad picture of me that my hair is really starting to come back in. It is starting to become a little more blond but is still pretty dark compared to what it was. Oh well. Still a long way too go.

I had a fill today, another on Friday & my last one on Monday morning. I am so ready not to have to go twice a week to have these fills done. It gets painful and sore the "bigger" you go. I am ready to feel somewhat normal. My fill today was not so bad. I actually felt really good today and was able to get a lot done today. Laundry, ironing (steaming)Caitlyn's dresses, going thru some stuff to donate to the school, & make homemade potato soup for dinner. Shane went to boot camp from 6-7pm so after the kids & I ate we went for a walk. We did about 1 1/2 miles. Not too bad. I just felt so good. This extra weight has really been bothering me but I have not had the energy to do anything about it. I hope how I felt today is a sign of how I will continue to improve and feel.

I start Radiation in a week and a half. Not this Monday but next Monday. I go on the 14th for them to do my "markings" & have another CAT scan done before they start. This apparently is too help them prepare and plan for the treatment of radiation itself. It takes a week to get those results and come up with a plan. I will find out more on Monday afternoon what that consists of.

Connor & Caitlyn both are feeling much better, but now Mom is feeling a little under the weather. Hopefully she doesn't come down with anything serious. Connor had another good day at school and Chandler always does. His biggest problem is getting him to read for his AR. Oh Well.

I think I will go for now. Just wanted to share the beach pictures with everyone. Have a great week.

Love,

Rachael Renea