When I Am Weak He is Strong

Last Thursday, we buried my Grandpa Bob. It was a Lutheran Funeral, which is a little different when you are used to a Pentecostal Funeral Service. However it was a beautiful service. The song I chose for the service was by Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton, "When I get Where I'm Going". Everyone cried.


While we were there we were able to see so many family members that we grew up with (like till we were 5 anyway)LOL, an uncle and several other relatives that we literally have not seen in 25 years. We bonded like there had never been any time spent before. We discovered an Uncle Clay who is hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. So in spite of the sadness and occasion of being in Washington, a piece of our family was restored.


But I have to say it made me sad too. To think of all the time lost with those family members. It once again reminded me of how precious life & time is. We only have now. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. As the saying goes, "The most important things in Life are not Things!!" Oh how true that is. The people in our lives are what is important. One of the things last week that seemed to continually come up was: Forgiveness. Please don't leave things unsaid to those you love. Regardless of the issue, is it worth it to hang on to the bitterness and anger? Life is too short. People change. Make an effort to build that bridge. As I discovered this week, it is soo worth it.


We all flew home Sunday morning early again. Mom stayed to go visit a friend in Portland which is about 2 hours or so from Tacoma. Monday evening we got a call from Mom that Uncle Carl, whom is Grandpa Bob's Brother, passed away. He was at Grandpa's viewing and funeral. He has been fighting cancer the last year. He wasn't doing well but still. So 4 days after we buried Uncle Carl's brother he passed away himself. Sometimes this year I really do feel like screaming to God, "Come on Lord. Enough is Enough!!!!!!" Maybe that is rude but this year really is a doozy of a year. And I keep thinking Ok it can't get much worse and then guess what it does. However, in saying that and feeling that way, the last two mornings getting in the truck to go to radiation the song by Chris Tomlin, "How Great is Our God" started playing as I backed out of the driveway. I honestly felt like God was saying, "Don't forget who is in control. Don't forget the I Am that I Am. Don't forget how Great God really is." And once again I remind myself that He is still in control and I hold to my verse...He has plans to prosper you and not harm you. To give you hope & a future. Jer. 29:11



With Faith & Hope like that straight from God himself, who am I to question the plans he has layed out. I still do not understand. And Yes I am totally scared to death, but I do TRUST Him. No Matter What I know He is looking out for us.


On Tuesday, I had a surprise visit from my Grandma Shirley and my cousin Nikki and her 6 month old little boy, Ryker Jay. It was great that they could come out to spend time with us for a week. Tomorrow is Grandma Shirley's Birthday. She will be 79. So far our visit has been great relaxing and catching up.



Good Night for Now.
Rachael


Rest in Peace Uncle Carl. Your sense of humor will be missed by all who loved you.

Goodbyes....We will Miss You Grandpa Bob

Above is a 4 Generation picture of My Mom, her Dad, Grandpa Bob Renkert, Caitlyn & I. Last year we were in Seattle with my Grandpa. He was in the hospital when we arrived. They didn't expect him to live and called the family in. Grandpa had not seen Caitlyn yet. I so wanted him to meet his Great Granddaughter. Chandler & Connor were praying at home. Needless to say, we arrived on Thursday and Grandpa went home on Saturday I believe. He told everyone it was his two Grandsons in North Carolina praying for him. Thankfully God gave him another year with us. And we are so grateful for that additional year. We were not always close to Grandpa when we were younger but the last 7 years or so we were able to have a relationship with him, he even came to NC several times. Where as before he had never really been anywhere outside of Washington state.


However on Wednesday we got a call the he was back in the hospital but not doing well. At first they said 1-6 months but Thursday, it was 2-3 days. Mom immediately made reservations to go say goodbye to her Daddy. She left at 6 am on Friday. I had radiation as usual and when I got out I called home to check on Caitlyn and while I was on the phone my Uncle Paul called to tell us Grandpa had passed. It was 10am our time but 7am in Washington. Mom was to land at 11am PST. Mom didn't make it in time to say GoodBye. She missed him by 3 hours. Just 3 hours. How often do we waste 3 hours watching TV, reading a book, driving etc. My heart broke for her. I can't even imagine not being able to say Goodbye to one of my parents. I cried out, "Why God??? Couldn't you let him hang on for just a few more hours?" Nothing. I mourn for the time we didn't get to spend with him because of distance & just life. I regret not calling him more and letting him know we loved him. Making more of an effort to visit. Probably all the things most people go thru when mourning. REGRETS!!!


Before he passed, Uncle Paul said the Chaplin was in praying and reading the Bible with him. As she walked away Grandpa Bob left this world peacefully. I pray he now knows the love, grace & peace that only God can give.


We are leaving for Washington on Wednesday and will come back home on Sunday. All of us Travis, Dustin, Yessie, Bella & myself are going. Shane will be home with the kids and working, Audra will be here to help him out with Caitlyn during the day and boys with their homework after school. I am so Thankful she will be able to help us out. Thank you so much Audra.


I know I have been really slack about updating my blog. Sorry. I have been really busy lately. Of course I have 3 kids, husband and a household to care for but I still am in Radiation and Mom and I are still helping our neighbor, Mrs. Linda, with redecorating her home. It has been fun and a good distraction for my mom. We have both really enjoyed doing it and helping her out. Mrs. Linda absolutely loves it. We have done the whole downstairs.


The boys are doing very well in school. Even Connor. LOL. He still cannot manage to get 5 green days in a row but he has not had even 1 red day this year. Thank you God. This year has been much more relaxed and easy going. Both teachers are awesome and work to help each child succeed. Neither one likes or sends home an abundance of homework. Yeah!!!! For all of us.


Bella is turning 1 tomorrow. They are having a costume party for her tomorrow afternoon. So it should be a lot of fun. The kids will love it. We are having Mexican food. Yummy!!!



I am feeling really good. I feel more normal lately than I have in a long time. I have not experienced any exhaustion from radiation at all. My skin is a little pink but nothing major. So that is awesome and a definite God thing. Who would have thought having Cancer could be this easy going. It is really crazy. But I am so thankful. I have been able to get a lot done around the house and such.



The fall weather has kicked in here in the Carolinas and I am LOVING it!!! It reminds me why I love it here. All the trees and leaves changing. It is absolutely gorgeous. If you have never seen a Carolina Fall you do not know what you are missing. The kids are outside most of the day now with the cooler weather. Especially over the weekends.


Good Night
Rachael



Please keep especially my mom but the whole Renkert Family in your prayers this week coming. His funeral is on Thursday at 11am. Thank you in advance.

Radiation has Begun

Well as you can see I have started the Radiation Therapy part of my recovery. They only radiate the left side that had the cancer. All of those X's on my arms is also on the middle of my chest and all down the left side of my torso. There are probably about 20+ markings. Thankfully nothing permanent. The process of setting me up and lining up all the markings with the lasers almost takes longer than the actual radiation. Crazy but they want it to be right on the exact spot. I have to have X-rays each week and see the doctor every Monday. They monitor my progress very carefully.

Radiation does not hurt at all. It is just like getting an X-ray. It only lasts a few minutes. You are in a fairly large room but it is all lead walls and the door is a vault door like at a bank. I think that is the eeriest part of it hearing that door close and lock. The radiation is done as soon as the machine turns off. So the techs are able to come right back in afterwards. It is not an internal radiation where you have to be isolated for a certain amount of time. So far it has been a breeze. I only have a small pink spot where one of the X's were. They put a clear tape over the paint marks and sometimes they have to be replaced. When they took the sticker off it left a pink raw area. Not to bad though. I haven't been tired at all so far. He said that will probably start this week. Other than that no side affects. God is good.

My final radiation day is November 9th and then about 4 weeks after that will be my surgery to have the implants put in. So hopefully I will still have "New Boobs" for Christmas.

We have all been doing good just busy with life I guess. Caitlyn has had the chicken pox and then Chandler got Bronchitis. Fun Stuff!!! Just another week in the Higginbotham household.

Also one of my neighbors is having some painting done at her house and she saw my house and wanted to know if Mom and I would help her decorate. So we have been trying to help her go thru all her stuff, organize & decorate. That has been fun but keeping us busy also. She has been having to go back and forth to Greensboro because her Dad's health is going down. He had one leg amputated in March and another a few weeks ago because of diabetes. Now his kidneys are starting to shut down. She is so upset as you can imagine. So Mom & I have been making ourselves at home and putting everything back together once the painters finish each room. It has been fun & given us a lot to do. But a lot of fun helping her. Please keep her father in your prayers this week.

I hope everyone has a great week and gets everything you need to accomplish done.

Love & prayers,

Rachael

Giving Our Best

Shane & I at the Rob Thomas Concert

Well last week was a mess. Other than Caitlyn's Birthday of course. Starting with Monday with my doctors appointments. So I went back on Tuesday and had 100cc more taken out. I felt like I was shrinking away. I went back to the Radiation Oncologist that afternoon. He says, "We are going to need to take more out." "What?" At that point I dissolved into tears. He apologized profusely but what could I do. They were trying not to radiate my heart and lungs. Who am I to argue with that. So I went back on Wednesday morning and had more taken out. Another 100 cc's, go back to R.Oncologist, guess what? Still to big. Are you joking???? Thursday rolls around and I go and have 175 cc's taken out, just to be sure we have enough this time. They were able to do all of my scans & make my markings. This is done with a paint pen and then a clear sticker put over that so it won't come off in the shower. I finally went home. On Friday, they call and say they just can't get the right angle without radiating part of my right breast. If they do I could get cancer in that side also. How does that work? Use it on the left to kill cancer but if you do it on the right you get cancer? Crazy Huh??!! My sentiments exactly. So yet again I had to go in this Monday for them to do some kind of bra that is heated at 160 degrees in water and then placed directly across my chest. Very hot for about 5 seconds. Then they placed a 40 lb lead weight on my right breast to squish it down and out of the way. Next they clamped the sides of this magnificent plastic bra down to the metal slab I was laying on. It took 2 hours. My back was so sore. What an ordeal. I really was thinking I am just going to skip this part of treatment and move on. But then I thought of how far I have already come and just a little more. Next I thought if this cancer ever came back and I didn't do everything in my power to fight it, I would never forgive myself. So I go back today for the final films and markings and start actual radiation therapy tomorrow at 11:30am. WooHoo!!!

In church on Sunday, we were singing the song: "Giving my Best to You Lord"

There've been many times that I've let You down

Searching for happiness but none to be found

To think that the price

You paid for me

Wasn't in vain all that agony

But I'm here to say

I've had my ups and my downs

But I am here now to stay

Because of the love that I've found

Now I'm giving my best to You Lord

All that I have

I won't withhold

Giving my best to you Lord

All of my heart and all of my soul

I just wept. Have I really been giving God my best? I feel as if right now in my life I don't have that much to offer him. But what about when I felt like I did and everything in our lives were going so great? Giving my best sometimes in the hard times of life when we feel as if God has stripped us down to nothing worth offering or serving him with anything worthy of him is when God is finally ready for us to give HIM our Best. He had to take something away to get us to the place where he could use us. He had to strip away our pride, unbelief & take us from our comfort zones to get our attention. Boy does He have mine!!!

I still feel very humbled though at the thought that at times when I would pray for me & my family that God would help us to draw nearer to him that he heard my cry. Lowly me and has used Breast Cancer to shake the very foundation of what we thought was our "Perfect Life". Do I like having to go thru this or see my family go thru this? NO. But when I see us as a family drawing closer together and them growing in Christ. It is worth every trial & heartache. And when things someday go back to "normal" or what they used to be, I will appreciate & enjoy every moment that much more knowing how blessed we really are. I don't think I really thought that before. My thinking was more along the lines of "Thank you God for allowing me to have such a hard working husband who provides for us." Well that is true, but God is the true giver of all things & I know I didn't appreciate how "Good" our life truly was. Yes I knew we were doing well, have a nice home & 3 beautiful children but not really comprehending "What a Wonderful Life" we really was.

Last night, Shane took me to a Rob Thomas concert. I hadn't really listened to much of his music but found I really did enjoy it. A few of the songs had a deep heart felt meaning to them. And as I stood there on a cool September evening with the love of my life standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me, I again was overwhelmed of how blessed I am. We still have each other and our children and no matter what that is what matters. The words to one of the songs:

Ever the Same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down

Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Hey, look at us man... This doesn't need to be the end!

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

And I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Hearing Shane sing in my ear of how we are cold, scared and shaken but to just "Fall on Me". It was literally music to my ears. The part about being a burden made me cry all the more. I have felt that way thru out this "Journey" but I assure you it has never been because my husband has made me feel that way. He has been awesome thru this whole thing. And I love him desperately forever because he is always there for me no matter what.

As I write I am somewhat convicted that as much as I fall on Shane, our heavenly Father wants us to "Fall on Him". As much as I love Shane, which sometimes is so overwhelming to me the love that I feel for this man that God gave to me & I know he loves me, however How Much More Does Our Heavenly Father Love Us!"

Father forgive me for taking your love and protection for granted. I know you have our lives in your hand & I cannot wait to see what you have on the other side of this mountain for our family. It must be awesome. Help me to trust you completely. Take me, for what I feel like is a broken vessel, and use me as you will. I cast all of my cares on you. Help me to leave them with you. Amen

So again I am reminded of how blessed I am and I have a very thankful heart right now. Now matter what is going on in our lives or the world around us, I am loved by God, my husband & children.

Love & Prayers,

Rachael

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

The Birthday Girl Loved her Cake!!

Brain & Emilie

Our Cousins

Ranae', Amanda, & Tia Lupe

Uncle Chris & Josh

Emilie, Ranae', & Tia Marta

CaityBug on the Slide

Heath Tillman

Chris & Robin Higginbotham

Audra with her mom Beverly & Dad Mitch

High School Friends Reconnecting
Thanks for coming you guys
Michael & Amy Pilato



Caitlyn & her Cousin Kira
Both with Big Blue Eyes



Ranea' & her nephew Chandler

Caitlyn's Friend Aiden

Caitlyn playing with the soccer ball

Connor at the playpark

Our Friends & Neighbors

David & Stacie

(No they are not married just friends in our lovely Flowers Farm Neighborhood)

We wouldn't want to start our own personal

Desperate Housewives Premiere
1

Our nephew Gavin

Grandma Lin & Tia Marta

My Baby Girl is finally 2 years old. How does two years go by so fast? When we went to the fair there was a mom nursing her baby. I heart broke for I know I will never be able to experience that feeling again & the longing for one more baby but as it looks now that will not happen. So once I again I have to trust God that he has a better plan than what was my own.

We went to a local park. It misted the whole time we were there but the kids played anyway and still had fun. We had Sticky Fingers for lunch and it was delicious as usual.

I know that Caitlyn has no idea of how much joy she has brought us but she really has. She has quite a sense of humor for a 2 year old. Her brothers treasure her and pray all the time that they are thankful for their sissy. And she is adored by all of her grandparents which are quite extensive. She actually has living...5 Grandparents & 5 Great Grandparents. I only hope they all live to see the beautiful young lady that I know she is going to grow up to be.

So my prayer today for my little girl is that God would help us to help her have the desire to grow up to become a godly woman and want to have her own relationship with Christ. I don't want her to just go thru the motions or to it because she feels like she has to or that someone is going to check up on her but instead I want it to be the most precious desire in her life that she wants to do regardless of whatever else is going on in her life. And that hopefully she will be a light in this dark world. In Jesus Name Amen.

Thank you to all who were able to make it to her birthday party and all of the beautiful gifts. We are always humbled by the love shown to us by our family & friends. We are truly rich in life.

Love,

Rachael

Pictures of Our Night at the Fair

Caitlyn reading her Gideon Bible

Caitlyn riding with Big Brother

We had so much fun!!

Thank You Dada

Not My Plans

Four Generations

Shane, Me & Papa Fred

Chandler & Gavin

What a Big Boy for not even 6 months!!

He already weighs 21lbs!!!

He is an absolute dollbaby & We love him!!!

Papa & the Girls



Chandler & Mommy

Shane, Caitlyn & I

On Friday we all went to the Cabarrus County Fair. The kids loved it. We ate all the horrible fried foods that are so unhealthy for us but we had a lot of fun. Caitlyn wanted to ride everything. She kept saying, "I wride" to it all. She loved the corn on the cob the best. Me too.

Saturday was a uneventful day at home, but nice and relaxing. Shane fixed a few things around the house...boys bathtub, change can lights, & finished putting surround sound in the Living Room.

Sunday morning we got up early and left the house by 8:30am. Shane's brother Travis was having his little boy, Gavin dedicated in Durham, NC. He is our only nephew so we wanted to be there. It was a little weird going back to the church up there. We have only been back there a few times since we left July 97. I didn't wear my wig upon my husband's request who seems to think I am really hot with what little hair I have. LOL He must be going blind in his old age. Oh well. Anyway that is one way to turn heads when the last time you saw them you definitely had a head full of hair. Oh well. It wasn't as bad as I thought.

After church we went to have lunch at Shane's parents house. It was very good and Chris had everything ready because she was up till 4am cooking all the salads and side dishes. Shane's request was Chocolate Delight for dessert. Yummy!!! We took a lot of family pictures. As you can see. Above are a few......

Today I had my herceptin treatment and a Dr. Appt at 11am. That went well. I asked about having periodic scans to make sure the cancer hasn't returned somewhere else. But Dr. Lemantani doesn't really recommend it. But if I have any problems with pain that wasn't there before, doesn't go away, lasts longer than a few weeks he will immediately schedule a scan. My chances of having cancer reoccur somewhere else are about 20-30%. Sounds pretty high to me but I know that is a 70-80% that I won't get it. I guess that is all in how you look at it.

After that Shane and I had lunch and then to my Radiation appointment at 2pm. However I got in there laying on the CAT scan table and they said my breast were to big and too close together. "Are you kidding??!!!" Apparently the angle in which the radiation laser has to hit can't go between my "cleavage". So I have to go back to the plastic surgeon tomorrow morning and go back to Radiation at 1pm. So another full day of Doctor's Appointments. I think the biggest thing that I hate is this is so not what I wanted. I had this plan all in my mind that I would have radiation, then a few weeks later be able to have my reconstructive surgery, but now I found out that I have to wait at least 6 weeks after radiation to have the surgery because the skin won't heal properly after having gone thru radiation until at least 6 weeks later. That will make the surgery not until the 2nd or 3rd week of December. I wanted all of this done before the holidays so that I could enjoy them. And now on top of that I have to be deflated.

So I am a little bummed out. But as I laid on my bed "pouting" about "my plans" not working out I felt that I heard a small still voice, "Remember I have plans for you. Not to harm you but to prosper you and give you hope. In two books that I recently (like in the last week) read that was the theme scripture.

Jeremiah 29:11

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sometimes, Ok a lot of times, during this "journey" of ours I have questioned what the outcome of all of this will be. Guess what??? I still don't know, but I do know he has a plan for me and our family's future. It is not "MY plans or MY time frame" but God's. It is so hard to remember that when things are not going how I had planned or wanted them to. But if I continue to listen & obey that voice that gently reminds me He is there. I will be OK no matter what.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Rachael