Be Still????

Sunday in church was Missions Sunday. The missionary family The Oakleys are from our own church here in Concord, NC. They are planning to go back to Central Europe this summer. He spoke about his call to the mission field and how that only 2% of Europe is born again. How sad!! Anyway a few things he said really ministered to me.

"When circumstances change it doesn't change who God is or what he is called us to do!"

I had no idea as I sat in church on Sunday what that statement would mean to me come Monday morning. He also talked about how when the children of Israel were wanting to go into the Promised Land and God told them to cross over the river first and help their brothers then they could possess the The Promised Land. His question to all of us was this:

"What is God asking you to cross over?"

Right now I can honestly say, "I have no earthly idea."

What am I supposed to learn from this new mountain in my way. But now as I right this maybe I am supposed to speak to that mountain, "Be thou Removed." or Maybe I am just supposed to "Be Still" I don't know but when I figure it out I will let you know. I guess I am in a state of confusion at this point. But I am trying my best to deal with it, but still every once in a while just want to cry. Just one of those days.

Yesterday I had my 4th chemotherapy. That means I only have 2 more to go, 6 weeks, June 8th is the last day. Yeah!!!! I had a few questions for Dr. Lemintani this time. I asked whether I would have to take the tamoxifen for 5 years. Apparently I do which I didn't think I did because of being HER2 +. Then I asked about my hot flashes. He said to try and take Vitamin E. He said that if I was already having menopausal symptoms that more than likely I would not be able to conceive after all this is said and done. I was shocked & so disappointed. It is one thing to make that decision yourself not to have anymore but to have the option taken away from you is horrible. I really wanted to try to have another baby after all of this & as bad as it sounds I knew I could probably talk Shane into it after having to go thru all of this. Which I probably could have. He says that is very cocky of me. I think of it as confident. Needless to say I cried my eyes out. I was so sad. I still am. I just wanted to hide away and cry my little heart out.


I did off and on throughout the day. Shane was as supportive as he could be. I know he is fine the way our family is now but still.....I don't think the emotions are quite the same as mine. After chemo, Shane took me to a movie and then dinner at a restaurant called Sonoma. It was different but good. We got home around 8:30pm. We had to check homework and then it was time for bed. I just wanted to hold Caitybug. She was already asleep but I still went up and held her and just sobbed for the next baby I might not be able to hold. I just can't believe I more than likely will never be pregnant, feel my baby move in my tummy, have delivery & hold that precious little baby in my arms again. I loved being pregnant. This is going to be really hard for me to accept.


My thinking in all this is that after chemo, I can wait 6 months for the drugs to get out of my system and then see if Dr. Lemantani will give me 3-6 months to try and get pregnant and if not I will accept that it is not meant to be. They highly recommend not getting pregnant while on Tamoxifen for 5 years. I would be 39 by then. Way past anytime I should or would want to be getting pregnant. So we will wait and see what happens. Maybe God has another plan.


Gotta go and put Caitlyn in bed and tuck the boys into bed.
Love to all,
Rachael