The Countdown is On: July 30th

Four days from now I will be having my bilateral mastectomy. I am really starting to get scared with what is to come. I know they do it everyday but for me this is a once in a lifetime thing. It is also going to be life changing for me. I don't know how I am going to feel when I see myself that way. Or if I want Shane to see me that way. I wonder if he will ever get to the point and just say this is too much. Will I ever be able to look at myself and be confident again knowing what others can't see? I have so my doubts, questions & fears but never the less it is something I have to do no matter what. I keep thinking maybe I could just not do it but I know that is not even an option. My emotions are all over the place & I don't know what to do with them and always end of crying. As I am now. What will the kids think? I will so miss holding Caitlyn for a while until I heal enough to be able to pick her up again.


You see things so differently when you know you are facing something this serious. You realize how precious life is and all of the what if's start going thru your mind. I try not to lean towards the negative but some days are just like that. Today is also Chandler's 9th Birthday and he is in Florida with his Uncle Chad & Aunt Marcella. I miss him so much. It is hard to believe that 9 years ago I was still in the hospital in labor trying to have him. He was not born until 11:58pm. We were so tired. I was so tired I didn't even realize he wasn't breathing. But finally that beautiful cry filled our room. I have to say I would much rather be going to have a baby on Thursday any day than this.


I think it is a little surreal for my friends and family also going thru this with me right now because overall I have done so well. It just seems like hey Rachael got a new hairdo, goes to the doctor a lot, and sometimes has headaches forgetting that I am really having the "fight of my life"And now I feel like I am falling apart. And I hate it. I have tried to be so strong so no one worries too much about me. I am a fighter but I am so human right now and feel so weak. I don't want to be one of the ones who doesn't make it. I don't want this to affect my kids or my marriage etc. Just so many things going thru my mind these last few days. Please do not think I am whining. That is not my intention. But when I decided to write this blog I told myself I would be completely honest, for myself & for whoever was reading it. One day when my kids and I look back and read this I want them to know the truth. It is not all pretty.

While I was in Oregon I made my cousins and aunts go watch "My Sisters Keeper". They all thought it was horrible of me to "make" them go with me having cancer in all. It was pretty good. They sobbed the whole time. They said it kind of helped them to understand what I was going thru. Two main things I could relate to was one scene where they are begging her to get out of bed and go somewhere. She is crying because she feels so ugly with her bald head and begs them not to tell her one more time that she is beautiful. I feel like that too. Everyone tries to tell you different but if doesn't matter because that is so not how you feel inside about yourself at all. The other is she felt like she was a burden to her family: Emotionally & Financially. Wow I can relate with that. I know you can't put a price on your life & what is a few thousand dollars in the grand scheme of things but still feels like a burden you are putting them thru.


So as you can probably tell this is going to be a really rough week for me and I covet every prayer. I know I am not alone but I am still afraid. But it makes me think of a scripture I would say when I was little: "What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." That is where I am and what I am trying to do. So please keep me in your prayers this week especially on Thursday. It will be anywhere from a 3-7 hour surgery.


When Shane and I were coming home today I saw a license plate that had Phil 4. I googled it just now because I just thought of it again and the first thing that came up was Philippians 4:6.

Philippians 4:6 (New International Version)
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Wow. He really does hear our prayers and knows the thoughts and intents of our hearts. So Thank you God for hearing my cries of distress and fear. And with a gentle nudge you let me know that you are still there. And that I have nothing to fear when I put my complete trust in you. Amen

Rachael