Tomorrow Tomorrow

Tomorrow is “D Day” for the boobies. I am feeling a lot better today for some reason. The last two days were pretty rough still. Everything still made me bust out into tears. Hormones I guess and fear. I am trying to think of all the stuff that needs to be done before I am out of commission. Laundry, the boys really need a yearly check up, Caitlyn has spots on her face, Chickenpox’s??, I have no idea, but I don’t think so, things to return to the store, button up clothing for me after surgery, cleaning out the china cabinet, saying good bye to two of my babies tonight, lunch with a dear friend, massages, last minute Dr. Appointments you know the usual for me. LOL Too much going on. Oh Well it will eventually get done.



My brother wrote a comment on my blog about when we were kids and had to fly out west to see our Dad for the Summer. Travis hates flying to this day. The airline would seat all 3 of us together. I was probably only about 10 so Travis was 8 & Dustin was 6. We were pretty little. Travis’ hands would be so white for gripping the arm rests so tight. I would put my hand over his and we would say together, “What time I am afraid I will trust in thee, What time I am afraid I will trust in thee!!” We would just say it over and over while the plane was landing and taking off. That was always the hardest for both of us. He didn’t like flying and I always got “car/plane sick”. But we made it and to this day I now teach the same scripture to my boys when they are scared.


That promise is still available to me going thru this “journey” of ours. Because it isn’t just me but all my family, friends, anyone who reads my blog, & all of us “Survivors” out there. It sometimes feels like such a long journey. I know I eventually will see the light at the end of the tunnel but right now it seems so far away. God is beside me all the way. He will be in that operating room with my surgeons. A long time friend of our family wrote me this:

I may have quoted this one before to you but it's one of my very favorites. Isa 46:3&4. Listen to me... I have cared for you from the time your were born. I am your God and will take care of you until you are old and your hair is gray. I made you and will care for you. I will give you help and rescue you.”

Jesus has you in the palm of his hand. I just got a picture in my mind of the Great Physician standing in the operating room with your doctors, looking over their shoulders and telling them what to do. The Bible does say that He is the voice behind us, telling us which way to go, so I'm trusting that this is just what He'll be doing on Thursday.

Thank you Edie. I love you.

And so many others who have commented and emailed me with thoughts & prayers. I truly am so blessed to have such a great support system. God is a good God. If I could ask for anything it would have to be Peace. And I know that he is a God who gives us “A peace that passes all understanding”. That to me says, “This peace that I am going to feel does not make sense & no one else or even myself may understand it but it will be there by the Grace of God.” I don’t have that peace yet but I am claiming it in Jesus Name.


So many others have already gone thru this and have survived and are doing so well. So as the saying goes, “I am going to fight like a girl” & beat this thing.


I also know that there are others that have gone before us who did not make it but paved the road for those of us who have come after them. Where would we be without the clinical trials, research, meds & surgeries if it wasn’t for them. I am so thankful for all of the women who paved the way for us now.


One of those ladies was my pastor’s wife when I was a little girl in San Antonio, TX. She was the most beautiful lady, mother, sister, & wife. She had a quiet & meek spirit about her, but you knew she meant business too. You had to, she was the mom of 4 children and of course the whole “Church Family”. She did it all with grace & love. I loved to go to her house. Her daughter and I were very close friends. At a time in my life where my world felt upside down, going thru the divorce of my parents, they were always there. Others may have ‘shunned” us but we were always welcome in their home to play. I was baptized by her husband, the Pastor, and received the Holy Ghost when I was 10 years old in that church. That was the most life changing experience for me and I will never forget where it happened. And my best friend in the world was right there by my side.

Last year, right before Thanksgiving, she lost her courageous battle with breast & bone cancer. My heart grieved for her family and my dear friend. We had lost contact over the years, but when that happened we began corresponding again. How ironic that only 6 weeks later I found my lumps. My friend as soon as she heard about me has been in contact thru my journey thus far and I have also been able to get to know her little sister who was a little younger than we were when we were kids, but now has a family of her own also. I have been amazed that even during their time of grieving they have reached out to me, when I know it has to be so hard feeling like you have to relive everything you just went thru with their beloved Mom. But I am so thankful and they have been such a blessing to me. I thank you both for your unselfishness, love and for being there for me. I loved your Mom and she was just awesome. Never forget that. She touched many lives including the one of a little 11 year old girl over 20 years ago.


I did get the boys their haircuts, returned a few of the things I needed to Target, had lunch with a friend and some family, packed for Caitlyn, laid her down for a nap, left to go to a dentist appointment, then my “markings” appointment with the plastic surgeon, & now I am sitting at the Ballantyne Spa blogging after a marvelous massage. Shane had given me a gift card over 2 years ago and I am just now using it. Oh well. Better late than never. Thank you Babe it was great. Yessie is with me and she is having her massage done now so I thought I would update everyone a little.

Saying goodbye to my babies was harder than I thought. They are what keeps me going and one of the reasons I keep fighting so hard. I will still be their Mommy but I will be “different” no matter how you look at it. Connor told me the other night when I was crying, “It will be Ok Mommy. It is alright.” Then later he told me, “Well Mom I might be a little embarrassed.” At least he is honest. Connor then told me Chandler was crying after I left the room because of my surgery. They both said, “I wish you never had to have cancer Mommy.” Mommy does too little buddies but for some reason I do and we are going to fight it.


On a funny note with my dear son Connor, whom I deeply love, he was playing Xbox with my brother Travis and Travis kept messing up and Connor kept saying, “Dude, Dude!!” Travis asked him why he kept calling him dude. With a shy look and down turned eyes he said, “That is a nice way to say Dummy!” What a kid!!!


Well Yessie & I are going to eat dinner after our treatments and then head towards home and try to catch up with our friend Ashley and my Mom to watch a chic flick. Yeah!!! Shane is taking Caitlyn and Connor to meet his mom half way around Exit 124 tonight. Probably on the road now hopefully because of traffic.


I am hoping I can con Shane into posting updates on my blog and face book while I am in surgery tomorrow. My love you each and everyone of you. Thank you again for all the kind words, emails, cards, and most of all prayers. I could not do this without any of you and I am so glad that I don’t.

All my love,
Rachael Renea