Change of Plans

Today I received a phone call from the surgeon's office and they say now that I will have to change my surgery date. Apparently Dr. Criswell will not be in the office that day. So they changed it to the 30th. So that means I have to go in for another pre-op appt with Dr. Turk too. Waste of time. There is nothing to look at and they already know what they are doing. It is driving me crazy. But that is not good either because we have already made arrangements for the kids, the end of the month and first of the month are busy for Shane and I am ready for this to be over with. So I am a little perturbed. So I am going to try and call to change it to at least some time that week.


Yesterday I had treatment for my first dose of triple herceptin. They actually make it more concentrated and it takes just as long for the one dose which is about 35 minutes. But I am always there way longer like 3 hours by the time you see the doctor, access the port, paperwork, getting the herceptin made for your specific does etc. So far no side affects for the 3x. While I was there a lady in her early 60's or so that I see every week was in the waiting room and we were talking then she was called back. We were waiting in the next room and I heard the nurse come out behind her and say, "I am sorry we couldn't do more." My heart breaks for her. That has to be the worst news anyone can hear after the initial, "You have Cancer." She looked so sad walking down the hall. I don't know what the prognosis is but it is so depressing when it is someone you have somewhat come to know.


Monday I also spent the day doing laundry so that I could pack today. That is finally done and the kids are in bed. Mom is working in her office and Shane is upstairs packing. He didn't get home from work until 8:30pm. Trying to make sure everything is covered and done at work before we leave. Fun stuff. I am looking forward to our trip. It will kind of be nice to get away from all of this here and pretend for a while that everything is OK.


Please pray we all have a safe trip. For my family our West, we will see you all tomorrow & for my family here, I love you all and will miss you.

Love,
Rachael

Faith & Decisions

Well let me start off by saying I typed this whole blog last night for an hour and lost it all. So needless to say I was a little peeved last night. So I am having to write it all over again. Let's hope I remember everything. Here we go.....

Above the 1st 2 pictures of the boys are from Father's Day Sunday. They are too handsome. The next ones are the boys with their cakes. We made them and they decorated them themselves. Chandler's was Star Wars & Connor's was a moon with Rockets. They turned out really good. Taste & Decorations in all. They were so proud and said, "These are the best cakes ever, Mom" So that made it all worth it. The next few are from the party and the boys getting their new bikes for their birthdays from us. They both had grown so much the last year that their bikes were way too small. Connor looked like an elephant on an ant as Shane said. LOL So they were pretty happy with their bikes.

Last night we celebrated Chandler's 9th birthday & Connor's 7th birthday at the Neighborhood Pool. They had a really good time. There were about 10 kids all together. We played a game that they would dive for quarters and whatever they found they got to keep. They really seemed to enjoy it. It was fun watching them. Then we did a Silly/Goofy string War. That was a hit also. We had pizza for dinner and a lot of swimming. Dustin, Johnny Lee & Shane provided entertainment in the way for Chicken Fights. Of course the boys loved it. So I think overall it was a great success. The boys were very pleased & stayed up till almost 11pm playing with their new legos and such.

Rewinding to Wednesday, Shane & I met with my surgeon Dr. Turk. Originally we were going to do one breast at a time rather than a bilateral mastectomy, however after much thought we decided that for me psychologically it would be better to go ahead and take both of them. For me I think it would be harder to see "what I had" and the other side being totally flat. It would be hard to match one side to the other so that is why we decided to go ahead with the bilateral mastectomy. Dr. Turk said he was fine with that and that there was no medical reason for me not to do that. He said I was young and healthy and would be fine. Probably only 1-2 nights in the hospital. I will come home with 4 drains that will be in for a week to 2 weeks.

Thursday we met with the Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Cara Criswell of Criswell & Criswell. She was very kind & knowledgeable about her field. She explained the different options which all are centered and affected by the fact that I have to undergo 6 weeks of radiation 5 days a week. I had heard that having implants done before radiation can distort your implants. Which if I have to go thru all of this, I do not want to distorted new breasts if you know what I mean. But she explained that she would be there the day of the mastectomy and would at that time put in expanders. These expanders would be "pumped up" every week until we reach the desired size. Hopefully that would be before I start Radiation. Then after radiation I would have 2 months to recover before she would go in and actually put in the implants. Later she would add the nipple and tattoo the areola. Sorry if that is TMI for some of you. Just the Facts. So I think that is what we are going to do. Plus with her putting in the expanders at the time of the mastectomy I won't be coming out with a flat chest but about a size B without the other 2 "toppings". (Read between the lines) That would come later. So Shane is happy that we now have a plan. So am I except for the fact that she doesn't do the TRAM or the DEIP surgery which they take actual stomach muscles to recreate your breasts. It is major surgery, like 7-12 hours worth and you have to stay in the hospital 5-7 days too. So she said if the only reason I was having the TRAM done was to get a tummy tuck she wouldn't suggest it. Shane, Mr. Logical of course agreed. But he did say that if I was a tummy tuck later I could get one. Yeah. You all our my witness so I can hold him to it. LOL So needless to say I am really bummed about NOT getting my tummy tuck. Shane says I don't need one anyway. How sweet. That is totally dripping with sarcasm by the way. In case you couldn't hear it. LOL Besides there is no surgeon in Charlotte area that does the surgery. I would have to go to Chapel Hill or Duke. I don't think my surgeon would go just for me. Another plus for Dr. Criswell is that she knows my oncologist, Dr. Lementani and really likes him. She has sat on boards for Breast Cancer with him. Some I have found do not know how to take him and therefore do not like him. It is kind of one of those things that you either love him or hate him. We really like him.

This past Wednesday Night I actually felt well enough to go to church. Shane has been taking the boys but most days by that time I am exhausted. I have really missed not being able to go. And would you believe that the topic for the night was "The Prayer of Faith". I thought that was ironic considering I was just talking about Faith the other night. But I guess with God nothing is a coincidence. Pastor Derrick & Pastor Phil taught the lesson. The first point was this:

"Faith is believing God in Spite of Your Circumstances"

This is one thing I really have tried to do during this journey of mine. There are days when I know my faith is low and you can probably tell by my blog entries. But I guess the thing is not to stay that way or in that rut. We still have to believe that God has a plan and that he knows what he is doing. The next point was:

"Faith is Obeying God in Spite of the Consequences"

The Key is not the strength of our faith, but rather the faithfulness of our God.

This is really hard one. What if you knew the outcome? Would you still go down that road? For me this made me think of Abraham & Isaac. God told him to take his son up to the mountain and offer him as a sacrifice. I don't know that I could have obeyed God on that one. I would like to think I would but..... Just the thought of having to offer up one of my children......I don't know that I have that kind of faith. In my situation, I don't have much of a choice. I have breast cancer and I am dealing with it the best way I know how and that is too trust God that he will make all of this turn out OK. One very small example of how I feel that I had to obey God despite what I knew what was coming. It was when I started losing my hair. It was so hard for me to let it go. I just knew I was going to maybe be one of those people who never lost their hair. It was not so. But when I finally surrendered my hair to God (Somewhat of a sacrifice) & said OK. I felt so much better. And from the very next day my hair started growing back amazingly. The doctors and nurses have all said that is very unusual going thru chemo and your hair growing back. But that is our God. He is always faithful to hear & answer our hearts cries. No matter what it may be.

I went up for prayer that night and Pastor Anthony & his wife prayed for me. I am assuming by her prayer, "God you did it for me and I know you can do it again" , That she has been thru the same or something similar to breast cancer. They both layed hands on me and the Holy Ghost fell so powerfully & strong. But God hears our utterances and knows our innermost groanings that sometimes we have no words to describe the pain we feel. I sometimes feel that way when I think of all the what if's that could happen. But I know HE knows and is working it all out.

I truly do believe in the power of prayer and sometimes he doesn't answer our prayers the way we think he should but he is always there no matter what the answer might be.

Jeremiah 30:17

"I will give you back your health & heal your wounds", says the Lord

I am surely going to hold on to this scripture because within the next month I am going to have some serious wounds to heal from but again I know God is with me.

I hope you all have a great weekend,

Love & prayers

Rachael

PS. Update on Little Lestat with CHARGE syndrome. He was to have his hip surgery this week but has an infection and they were not able to perform the surgery. So pray for his quick recovery so they can do the surgery and help this little man move to the next phase of his recovery.

Thank you.

Why My Aunt Janet Doesn't Wear Dresses to Church

My Aunt Janet, who by the way is the one who made my Quilt wrote this a few months back. It is hilarious and too funny not to share. Who knew she had such a good sense of humor. Thanks Aunt Janet for a good laugh. Love you. I hope you all enjoy this.


First, Saturday I clogged the garbage disposal with chicken trimmings, you know all the gristle and fat you cut off? I always do that but this time, one of the chicken breasts was white, like it had been freezer burned so I stuffed it down there too and clogged the entire kitchen sink. Don did the Drano, Liquid Plumber etc. but it was still draining very slow Easter morning.

I couldn't run the dishwasher or anything so my kitchen was a total mess.

The last time I did this was on Super Bowl Sunday with potato peelings and the only thing that would work was a device like a balloon you hook up to your garden hose and force a huge blast of water through. This requires that someone get under the sink and take the pipes apart. It's not a fun job but someone has to do it.

So Don has tried at least 3 different drain cleaners before he decides he has to do this. I mutter something under my breath like "You should have done that in the first place?" however I waited until he was in the garage to give him that tidbit of wisdom. He asked if I would help him by tuning on the garden hose, like I don't have enough to do trying to get ready for church. Sheesh!

We finally got it unclogged and the plumbing all put back together, plus he has cleaned and organized the cabinet under my sink. That was almost worth it.

Anyway, since it was Easter, even though it was raining, I decided I should dress up for church. I found a black dress with a small floral print that I decided was a good compromise between Spring and pouring rain.

I put on the dress and got into my "pantyhose/knee high nylon" stash and found a black pair of pantyhose. I have no idea how many years it's been since I've tried to wear them but it's obviously been a few because I could only get them up to my knees. Knowing they were stretchy, I thought I could try a little harder and make them fit. Not so! Did you know when you do that, it just rips huge holes all the way up AND down? It's true.

So, my choice was to either take off the dress and wear jeans, go without any "hose" (as grandma calls them) or wear knee highs with a dress. I didn't have any appropriate "rainy day" shoes to go hoseless, plus my legs haven't seen the sun since last July, so I chose to wear my knee highs. My dress was long enough and the slit was small enough that I was pretty sure it wouldn't show.

I went through the bag of nylons and had a really hard time finding 2 that matched. They all had different patterns on them, or if I found a set, one had a huge hole. I finally found a matching set and put them on. Success! Then I tried to put on my dress shoes and would you believe it? Remember my swollen pinkie toe from dropping and 80 lb. bag of cement on it? I couldn't get them on..

So I take a DEEP breath and look at my shoe closet and see a pair Carolyn sent me. I try them on and they are just a hair too big. I decide it would be a swell idea to roll up one of the knee highs and put it in the toe. Again, success!

So finally, off to church I go, comfortable because I'm not wearing pantyhose, good hair day, feeling great despite the trying morning, with the exception of the rolled up knees high pushing on my toes. I found a parking spot right away, yeah, it's going to be a great day!!!

I went to the Women's Ministries table and bought a ticket for the Spring Tea, chatted with a few of the ladies organizing it and went into service. I decide to go to the bathroom to check my hair because it was a little windy on the way in. One big clump of hair had blown from one side to the other so it was an easy fix, all in all, still a pretty good hair day. So anyway, church was great and I was anxious to get out because I needed to go to WalMart for a few things before going home.

So I'm walking to my car and all of a sudden, I feel my knee high slipping down. I wasn't sure whether to stop and pull it up or just let it keep going. Plus, the little rolled up knee high I had stuffed in the toe had apparently compressed and the heels of my shoes were slipping. So there I am, clip clopping with a knee high nylon falling down around my ankle, good hair though, walking to my car as fast as I could. Like I said my dress was long, plus I had a coat on. By the time I got to my car, that sucker was all the way down around my ankle. I could only hope and pray no one noticed.

So I get to WalMart and step out of the car and I about died. In the sunlight I notice one of my knee highs was black but the other was BLUE! I may have screamed, I can't be sure but needless to say, I need better lighting in my bedroom.

Next week, I'm wearing jeans!

Great Faith & Authority

The last few days I have finally felt normal. I guess as normal as I can anyway. I feel really good. We spent a relaxing day at home on Saturday which was really nice after being gone for most of the week. On Friday, I took the kids to the park and took some pictures of them for Father's Day. We made a picture book for Shane with pictures of him and the kids and then individual pictures of all the kids and then all of them together. I know they are mine but if I do say so myself they are some good looking kids. As I was going thru the pictures on Friday afternoon picking out which ones to use, I was overwhelmed with how beautiful my children are to me, of how very blessed we are and all I could do was weep with gratitude over our precious gifts from above. They truly are a treasure.

Today is Father's Day. I was blessed with two Father's who both mean the world to me. They have both given me so many different things in Life. Happy Father's Day to you both. I love you!!!! And to my Awesome Husband who is such a great daddy. There is a saying, "Anyone can be a Father, but it takes someone Special to be a Daddy" How true that is. Shane does such a good job of making time with all of the kids, but most of all with them individually. They eat up that special one on one time with their Daddy. When I see him with the kids I fall in love with him all over again. You are an awesome Daddy Babe and I love you that much more for it. Thank you for giving me 3 Beautiful Children.

Today Pastor Doug Witherup preached about Strength Through Authority. It was a good message. One of the big points he made was: "The Key to Faith is understanding Authority". I think that sometimes we just forget or don't really know how much Authority we possess because of what Christ did on the cross for us. He took back the keys and gave us that power of authority over evil in our lives. It made me realize how much better our lives could be if we really remembered how that Authority works when we use it. Understanding that having authority comes from learning to be under God's Authority. One of the thoughts that I had during the sermon was, "Why do people when something "bad" happens in their lives, whether it be health, financial problems, or family problems whatever that they automatically blame God. God gives all of us free will & choice and a lot of problems we encounter in our lives sometimes are of our own doing because of decisions we have made. That is not saying that God can't take that "bad decisions" and make it into something good. That is what the bible says. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God. Romans 8:28

To me that says that not everything will be good but he can make it into something good if we love and trust him.

Another thing was just the fact of admitting that you need Jesus. How many times in our lives do we say or think, "Look what I have accomplished or done" or something to that effect. But in truth, what are we without God in our lives. You get to where you are because of God not your own works. Maybe sometimes we get so focused on making it big or making money and becoming some big great success that we forget about the ONE who makes it all possible. He gave us talents to do what we do. I wonder if maybe in our forgetting or just taking it all for granted that God has to come along and gently remind us where we came from, taking us back to the basics in the beginning. God help us to never forget that we are nothing without Him.

In the text of Luke 7:1-10, in verse 9 &10, it speaks of how amazed Jesus was of this centurion's Great Faith. Oh that we could learn how to operate with that Great Faith that would truly amaze God & those around us. He knew that all Christ had to do was speak the word and because Jesus had authority over sickness that it would have to leave his servant.

So my prayer for myself & you this week is that God would give me that kind of faith and to gently remind me that thru Him, I do have Authority in my Life. I will overcome and he is by my side no matter what. I some would say, "How can you say that when you have Breast Cancer?" I guess my answer to that would be, " He has never let me down before & I have no reason to believe he will now." I know that next month is going to be hard to adjust to for all of us with my surgery, but I know my family & my husband love me but most of all God does and he wants what is best for me. Matthew 7:11 says, "If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" So I will hold on to that promise & surround myself in that love. It will be hard but I will make it with the Authority of Jesus Name.

God Bless and Have a Great Week,

Rachael Renea

Home Safe & Sound

This is a picture of Shane and Connor on the Dinosaur Ride at the Animal Kingdom. Shane is screaming & Connor is covering his ears and sticking out his tongue at the dinosaurs. Way too cool. The rest are just a few more of our vacation. I hope you enjoy.

We made it home tonight about 6:00 pm. We are just now eating a light dinner but everything is unpacked and put away so that will be nice to wake up tomorrow and not have to do that. We did the laundry there so very little of that too. When we got home, Janet had cleaned while we were gone even though I told her not to worry about but I have to say it was a very nice welcome to come home to a clean house. What a blessing!!

On Tuesday we went to Universal Studios. I again had to use a wheelchair. It was just so hot and with not being totally back to normal from chemo I didn't want to chance it. This time though Shane insisted I get a motorized one. I felt like an elder person on a hoveround. Very embarrassing. So I had to fight with the boys all day about who was riding the chair. We did do a lot of walking. We were able to do both parks with in Universal. It was a lot of fun. Connor is at the stage that he wants to do everything and is not quite tall enough for some of it. Chandler on the other hand you have to force him to go on some stuff to the point that he is in tears. His biggest fear was the Yettie/Everest at Animal Kingdom. We literally made him ride it. He was balling his eyes out. But he rode it. Grandma had to pay him $6. I am trying to get him to trust Shane and I that we would not put him on something that he is going to get sick on which most of the time is his fear. Shane and I both get motion sickness easily so we try to get him to understand that but so far it is not working. Caitlyn likes most stuff and so far as we can tell doesn't get carsick. I am so glad. It is miserable to feel like that in the car or otherwise.

Wednesday we stayed at the pools and had another lazy day. I usually wear a hat at the pool but I have been getting so pale lately that I decided today I would get a little sun on my face and my white head. People of course stared, but I had to tell myself that I would never see these people again. That made it a lot easier to deal with. It was a great way to end our vacation. That night we ate a restaurant called Landrys. We ate there on accident last year and it was really good. So we were hoping it wasn't just by chance and we were really hungry last time, but it was awesome. Next we went to a few of the outlet stores down the road then got some fudge and ice cream to end the day. We packed most of our stuff that night and Shane and I read till about 10:30 pm. The bookworms that we are. I did read two full books so that is always nice.

So now it is back to reality. Shane will go back to work tomorrow but at least he will be home on Saturday. Hopefully unless he has a ton of work to catch up on. Caitlyn is not going to know what to do with herself without her DaDa. She gets so attached to him when she has him over the weekends so when we are on vacation it is even worse. He loves every minute of it though. She is starting to say so many words and sentences now. She popped out of the armoire in the room and told Shane, "I see you!" It was too cute.

Anyway next week will be busy with Doctor Appointments. I meet with Dr. Turk, the surgeon on Wednesday to finalize what we are going to do on July 22. I am a little nervous about it just because it is major surgery and another big hurdle in this journey of ours. I know in the end everything is will be fine and women do this all the time unfortunately, but it is so different when it is your body and it is you going thru it. Then on Thursday we meet with the Plastic Surgeon about the reconstructive surgery. So a lot going on but we will have a better plan and time line about how everything will play out over the summer and into Fall. I am so ready to be done with all of this. It gets a overwhelming if I think about it too much. Maybe that is why I try to do so much and keep busy so I don't have to. Sometimes I actually forget I have Cancer. Amazing but I really do. Until I walk by a mirror. But I know it won't be forever but it feels like it. I have about an inch and a half of hair on my head now, the sad thing is that strands of hair are starting to fall out again since my last chemo. I just hope I don't have to start all over again. It will be like going thru losing my hair all over again. My eyebrows are thinning and so are my lashes. But they are still there for now. So we will have to wait and see.

We have 2 weeks from yesterday till we leave for our trip to Oregon. The kids are so excited & so am I. I am looking forward to seeing all of our family up there. After that I come home for my surgery. And it starts all over again.

Well I am going to go for the night. I hope everyone has an awesome Friday and start to another weekend.

All my love,

Rachael

Vacation

Here are a few pictures so far. The couple that I am standing with his my brother and sister in law, Chad and Marcella. The one where all of us are with Doris and Aubrey Haynie. I am so glad we were able to squeeze in our quick trip. Hey Dad. Aubrey kind of looks like you with his mustache. What do you think? LOL His is a little whiter though.

The ones in the pool are from today. Connor was too busy playing with a girl to have his picture taken. He is one little social bug and will make friends with anyone. LOL But they all seemed to have fun just being at the pool. I get some of him later.

Well I know we just got back from Myrtle Beach but we are now in Florida. It is really hot everyday in the 90's. We are having to try and cram all of all vacations in June and July because of my surgery on July 22. So they are not a lot of weeks to be able to do that in. But we are having a lot of fun so far.

Friday Night I was on TV. One of our local TV stations WJZY ran a short clip about my blog and the story of me having the fight of my life. Boy is that for sure. My mom and I had gone to a luncheon for Susan G. Komen and Molly, the news anchor, was the MC. Mom apparently gave her my blog site and she ran the story. The boys that it was really neat to see all of us on TV. She had shown a few that I posted on the blog. Anyway the story was mixed up a little. It said that I was from Indian Trail, that my husband had shaved his head for me, and that my kids took pictures with my wig. Partly true but not all. I obviously am not from Indian Trail, Shane did offer to shave his head but I couldn't see him being bald and after the boys cut their hair I didn't want all of us to look like we had cancer. The picture they showed was of my brother Dustin when I shaved his head. And the one of all my kids was when I was in Oregon and my cousins put on all of my wigs. LOL So Josh, Kenneth & Colton you are all famous in NC now. LOL Oh well it was a great thought and they put my link for my blog on their website. Cool HUH!!!

Last week was my last chemo treatment and I was feeling fine till about Wednesday night and my headaches and severe heartburn kicked in. I pretty much layed around all day Thursday and Friday and of course I was totally drained of any energy to do anything. The kids got out of school on Wednesday finally. But not good when Mommy doesn't feel good and Grandma has to watch them all. Friday night I got everyone packed but it took me forever because of my head and no energy.

We got up on Saturday and left around 8:00 am. Not to bad. On the way I was sharing a sucker with Caitlyn. Connor says, "Mom you have germs and will give them to Caitlyn." I told him, "I'm not sick so she will be fine." He says, "Mom you have cancer!" Thanks for reminding me Connor. What a kid. We arrived in Tampa around 5:30pm to our hotel for the night. We met some of Shane's family for dinner around 8pm. It was nice to be able to catch up with them.

The next morning we got up to head to Orlando to go to Animal Kingdom. Connor was in the shower and told Chandler, "Man it is hot as h@#$ in here. You know I mean like the hail that comes from the sky" Yeah right. I blessed him out. He heard it from a kid at school. Figures. Anyway I was about his age when I said the same word to my mom about "Where the h@#$ are we going?" I heard it from my Uncle Paul. She didn't spank me but I told Connor if I heard that again he would get a mouth full of soap and he was lucky I didn't make him eat the bar he had in his hand in the shower. Shane later told me he was about his age when he said the "D" word at school. Church school at that. He hit the tire swing and said, D@#$ But tried to tell them he said Wham!! Didn't work. LOL So I guess we all have our stories.

We spent Sunday at Animal Kingdom. I was not feeling good at all. Sick to my stomach. I don't know if I ate something the night before or if it was just the chemo flushing itself out of my system. Either way it sucked. I felt really weak & shaky. So I ended up having to sit in a wheelchair all day. The heat didn't help either. I just couldn't walk around feeling that way and in the heat of Florida & I was sure not going to let it ruin the day for everyone else. So I sat. I hated it. Everyone already looks at you with pity because I have no hair. It was too hot for a wig. And then to look so pale like death with no hair is even worse. But we made it and had lots of fun in spite of the wheelchair. I am so glad my mom was here. It would have made things a lot worse it she wasn't and really hard on Shane with riding rides and such.

Today we had a lazy day at the pools here at the timeshare we have. We are staying at the Fountains in Orlando and it is really nice. We were pleasantly surprised. The pools are great. Kiddy area and slides so the kids love it. I feel a whole lot better today. Still get tired easily, like just walking from the pool to the condo, where as before that would be nothing. But I just have to pace myself. Something I am not very good at but having to learn to do. We were getting ready to go to Downtown Disney for dinner and ice cream and I said something to the effect of, "Ok let me just do my hair!" My ever so observant son, Chandler says, "But Mom you don't have any hair!" Again my son, "Thanks for the reminder." GEEZ!!!! LOL Dinner was good we ate at a Irish Pub and had ice cream and the Gheridelli Chocolate place.

Now we are back at our "Condo" and everyone is tired, in bed and hopefully asleep. I getting there. I took two Tylenol PM so it is finally starting to kick in. Usually takes about an hour. So it there are a lot of crazy grammatical errors, you know why. Not totally my fault. Also not totally my fault is that I apparently thought I was OK to do Ebay. Not so. Don't do Ebay, selling especially when you have just had chemo. I had the wrong email address on the paypal, then I totally sent two customers each others stuff. They emailed me today to let me know, "Hey I got a monkey picture instead of a jacket." Wow. What a screw up! Hopefully they are understanding and one suggested she will ship it to the other if the other will ship it to her. I will just need to refund their shipping expenses. Man I really messed that one up.

Well I am going to go for now. I am starting to get a little sleepy now. Sorry it took so long to update my blog this week but I just wasn't feeling too good and then traveling. I hope you all have a pleasant week.

Lots of love,

Rachael Renea

Changes: Dealing with them & Moving On

Above is a picture of Dr. Lemintani & I on my last day of chemo. I asked him today if I was going to die. He said he really did not believe that I would. That is good. Really good. He is a great doctor and I am honored that he is My Doctor. Thank you Dr. Lemintani. I Thank God he gave him the smarts to know what to do to fight this awful disease for me & so many others.

Today is a little bittersweet, which most people would think this is weird. I am so happy that today is my last chemo treatment but in a way I am a little sad because I have come to like my chemo Monday's with Shane. I literally get one whole extra day to spend with him. It has been so special and has given us time to spend with each other that we would not have had otherwise. One small blessing of chemo. I have to go to do the finger bath. Be back soon.

Ok I am back now. Shane had to step out for a board meeting conference call. He has been under so much stress lately trying to keep ITC moving in the right direction until the economy turns around. I feel bad cause I know he doesn't want to worry me about it and doesn't talk to me about it. It does stress me but I feel so bad that he won't talk to me about it. My blood pressure was actually 20 points higher today than normal after talking on the way to my chemo appointment today. I feel absolutely horrible that on top of all of this with work and such that I have put my family thru so much emotionally & financially. Maybe with work cutbacks it wouldn't be such a burden if we hadn't already forked out so much in medical bills. I hate it. I am glad I am getting better but I hate what it is costing my family. Not in just the money.



The economy has been hard on everyone and we have had to make cutbacks for the past year, but now it is really hitting too close to home. Literally. I remember these days when we first moved to North Carolina 22 years ago this year. I had just turned 12 the week before. We slept in the car the first night because all we had was $40. Tony went out the next day to work. We stayed in a hotel with the last of our money. The next day Mom tried to find an apartment for us. She found one and miraculously they waived the deposit. We moved in that day. I remember Mom wearing the same 4 or 5 dresses for a few years. I remember our First Christmas in NC we couldn't afford a Christmas Tree so the boys & I made a tree in the corner with a few Christmas Lights we found. It was a beautiful tree to us all. We ate a lot of soup, megas with whatever we could find in the fridge, & hot dog sandwiches. Those actually were really happy days. I will never forget how Mom & Tony struggled to make it work for us. And it did, we have been so blessed the last 20 years, but now it feels almost like we are starting over again. It is different this time because now I am the parent with Shane and have 3 kids to take care of & make a living for. Now I have even a greater appreciation for what Mom & Tony did for us. I was so mad when Tony moved us from Texas, I was a mean, hateful little 12 year old, but I know he did it for us. Thank you Mom. Thanks Tony for always trying to do what was best for the family. I know I probably didn't say it enough then. But I appreciate what you & Mom built for our Family.


I do still have faith that with God's help that Shane & Tony can bring ITC to what it was or even better. We just have a big mountain in our way right now that we have to cross over. It isn't pretty or fun. But making us all realize what is most important: Family. No matter what, we have each other. And in the end that is all that will really matter. My kids are beautiful, smart, healthy & alive. I have a wonderful husband who even after all of this has no regrets and would do it all over again.......with me. How great is that! He used a line from a movie on me today when I had asked him if he would change anything or if he had any regrets. He replied, " The Pain (of loving in life) is better than regrets all week long & twice on Sunday!!" I am so proud of what he has become and how he takes care of all of us. Even Mom now. Not many women can say that their husbands take care of his in laws. But I can. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that just as Tony way back then took care of us and made hard decisions that Shane will do the same for Our Family now. I love you Babe for all the way to early mornings, maybe soon weekends or the long evenings. Your actions for us speak so loudly & I love you no matter what.



Some days I handle everything really well but I can't help but think about all the changes this year. It has been a really rough year. So much has gone on that a lot of people don't even know about other than our family. Today I guess I am just really reflective about so many things. I know things could be worse but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I guess God is just taking us back to the basics. Which can be a good thing. The man sitting next to me must have had mouth or lip cancer because he literally has only a hole for his mouth. No lips at all. He can't talk, has to have his food & fluids thru a syringe that goes into his trac. My friend Tonya, on top of fighting breast cancer found out this year that her fiance' has prostate cancer. Yes it truly could be a lot worse. So I am thankful that although going thru this it has so far just been a bump in the road, nothing to overly bad compared to most people going thru chemo. I know the surgery is going to be a big thing to go thru soon. I just have to take it day by day. I know that but it is a little overwhelming.








I guess it all comes back to trusting God. Trusting that he is in control and has our best interest at heart. How could he not. We are his children and he loves us even more than we love our own. And I love my kids. There is a song called Thru the Fire. Some of the words to it are this:

So many times I've questioned certain circumstances, things I could not understand. Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision

Then my frustration gets so out of hand its then I am reminded I've never been forsaken I've never had to stand the test alone as I look at all the victories the spirit rises up in me and its through the fire my weakness is made strong

Chorus:He never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our victories without fighting, but he said help would always come in time just remember when your standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in. Just hold on, Our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again.

I have questioned some days "Why?" Sometimes I see glimpses of why and how God is working and I know it can't always be perfect and for a long time it has seemed that we were so blessed & had it pretty easy, so I guess God decided it was time to shake things up a little. Well it is shaking alright. But what is the saying about going thru the fire for purification? Here we go. But another thing so far that I have not had to go thru is the "Mad Stage". I remember when I found out, I was in Oregon with my cousin Nikki. I went up stairs to go tell her the news amidst my tears and we sat on the floor with Andrew & Caitlyn between us and she prayed for me and all that I would go thru. One of the things that I remember her praying was that I wouldn't go thru a Mad Stage. "So far so good Nik" Thank you. You are such a beautiful prayer warrior. I am so proud of you. Charity & Jen thank you for being such wonderful cousins growing up. I know we have gone thru a lot and drifted to where we were not as close but hopefully we can change that. I love you both.

I know during all of this that God will come thru on time when the time is right. I know I am not alone and that He is walking every step of the way with me. So like the song says, Today I have tears of relief for being done with chemo, sadness for the time I will lose with Shane & just my overall human weakness cloud my vision but I have so much to be thankful for & for all the victories I have overcome. Shane is so strong for me when I feel I am not and want to fall apart. He gently tells me that everything is going to be Ok, that we will be fine thru this rough economy, breast cancer & how much he loves me and whatever else he thinks that I need to hear. I am truly so so blessed beyond measure. Change is not always welcome but always God will take it and use it for our good & his purpose.

So forgive me for being a little emotional today. I have cried off & on all day. I feel like one giant uncontrollable hormone, but I guess it comes with the territory. Shane keeps asking me what is wrong but I guess it is just a lot of emotion & hormones.

I truly am thankful I can say: " I have finished my Chemo Race & fought an Awesome Fight"
Thank you to Mom & Yessie for watching the kids every Monday, Janet who comes and cleans my house even on her off weeks just to help me out, my neighbors who call, visit and bake for me, my children who love me no matter the fact that Mommy has no hair, & My husband who has taken me to Every Chemo session. Thank you Shane I have loved our Mondays but I love you so much more and you being here for me means the world to Me. I love you forever and ever Amen.

Good Night,

Rachael

Myrtle Beach Weekend

As you can see we had an awesome time in Myrtle Beach. I think even Grandma Lin did. The boys were amazed that she had never been to an Aquarium before. I think they had more fun showing Grandma all they have seen and how knowledgeable that they were about all the fish and animals there. It was cute seeing Chandler tell her about everything that was coming up.

We ended up leaving around 1:30 pm. Our goal was 12 noon but I had to go for and Echo and University CMC at 9:45 am. I am supposed to have one every 3 months due to taking Herceptin. I was a little behind. Dr. Lemintani should have the results when we go in tomorrow. They will compare it to the one I had done on Feb. 20th the Friday before I started Chemo. After that, I had to pick up Chandler from school to take him to his Dr. appt for a swollen throat he had been complaining about. His appointment was at 11:20am. And then after all of that nothing was wrong with him worth treating anyway. He was upset because he was missing his end of the year party. So I took him back to school around noon and he was back for his end of year party and I told him we would pick him up at around of 1 or 1:30 pm. I went back home, packed ate something and we loaded up. We picked up the boys on our way out of town and they were both very happy to have been able to stay for their parties.

We arrived in Myrtle Beach around 5:00pm. Registered at the hotel, unloaded & left to go eat at Rioz. It is so good. They have a salad buffet bar and then all of your meat is served on swords by the waiters. You have a little card that is red on one side & green on another. If you want them to give you meat you put it on green and red if you would like to just enjoy your meat. Anything from filet in bacon, skirt steak, sirloin, chicken, lamb, chicken tenders, pineapple with cinnamon off the grill. The kids love it. Mom really enjoyed it too. It is an awesome way to be able to try a bunch of different kinds of meats.

After eating, we went across the street to Shops on the Broadway to walk around. It was perfect evening for walking around. Light breeze and cool. Then we headed back to the hotel to call it a night. We were all exhausted.

Saturday we all got up, ate breakfast, & went to spend a day at the pools. They had about 3 pools, a lazy river, & a hot tub. It was overcast all day and a little cool but the kids had a blast and played till about 3:30pm. Caitlyn went up for a nap with Mom around 1:00pm. She slept till about 4pm. When we all came in, we got showers and cleaned up to go eat an early dinner. We ate at the Giant Crab Buffet. The boys favorite part is the All you can eat Crab Legs. Yummy. It was delicious. Next we left there and went to play miniature golf and a Tiki Tree House Golf place. The kids thought it was great. Leaving there we headed over to the Ripley's Believe It or Not. The boys were fascinated by all of the amazing things. After that, we went in search of Ice Cream. We found an Ice Cream Parlor and it was delicious. We were definitely ready for bed by then and off we went.

Sunday morning we got up and Mom headed to the spa for a facial. Shane & I headed for the pool with the kids for one last hurrah!! It was so sunny today. Perfect Weather!! Of course, it always is on the last day that you leave. We would have stayed but tomorrow I have Chemo. Yuck. I would have loved to stay instead of having to go to chemo. Oh Well. We got home about 6:00pm or so, unpacked and relaxing getting ready for another week. The boys only have 3 days left of school. Yeah!!! I am so excited probably more than they are.

I can't believe tomorrow is my last chemo treatment. It seems like a lifetime ago that "My Journey" began. Then again it is hard to believe chemo is almost done. Thank you Jesus. I am so ready to be over at least one hurdle. All we have now is surgery, herceptin for 37 more times, 30 rounds of radiation, & then reconstructive surgery. Wow that is still a lot now that I write it all out like that. LOL but we are slowly but surely getting there. Thank you again to all for the gifts, food, thoughts & prayers.

Good Night & Have a Great Week

Love to all,

Rachael

A Better Week

It is hard to believe it is already June. Where has the year gone??? We are going to Myrtle Beach this weekend. I am really looking forward to that. The kids are pretty excited too. They still remember our last trip there. So that is a good thing. Mom is going with us also. So it should be fun. We are having to try and get all of our vacations in this month because after my surgery, I start radiation and that is everyday for 6 weeks. So there goes August. Yuck. I am sure we will try to do at least one weekend trip in August to Gatlinburg, Tenn. or something like that but no long trips seeing as how I have to be here everyday for treatment.


Monday will be my last chemo treatment unless something changes but they have given me no indication that it will change. I will finally feel like I have overcome one giant hurdle in this "journey" of mine. I still have a lot to go thru before all of this is over but at least I have almost completed one battle in this war against my breast cancer. That makes me feel good and feel like we are making progress.


My blood counts were the lowest they have ever been on Monday but I feel better than I did the week before so I don't know how all that works. I do notice that I am more pale and have to add a little more bronzer that usual but that is not so bad. Treatment went well and I am anxious for Monday to come and go.


Tuesday after dinner we all went swimming at the pool. That was nice. The water is pretty warm already even after the sun has started setting. The kids are fish. All three of them. Caitlyn does really good with floaties and likes to jump in holding our fingers. She is such a Daddy's girl. But I am so glad. How she looks at him with those adoring little eyes. Shane has no idea how much trouble he is going to be in as she gets older. He doesn't have sisters so he is clueless. This is going to be an adventure. I am so glad I am along for the ride. I say a saying on a Jeep Wrangler the other day that made me think of Caitlyn. It said: "Silly Boys. They think jeeps are for them!" Caitlyn says everything is silly. Like "Silly DaDa" "Silly Brubers" She is so prissy but loves the outdoors and fourwheelers too. That is my girl. And I think Shane likes it that way too.


This week we have been watching Isabella for Dustin & Yessie while they went to Las Vegas for their 5 year Anniversary. Wow. It doesn't seem like that long ago but again it has. It has been interesting helping Mom care for 2 babies. Even though Caitlyn looks like she is 3 she is only 20 months old. So I have to quite often remind myself of that fact when she gets whiny. But overall it has been relatively easy. I forget how much time a "baby" takes up of your day. But it was fun to get to spend time with her. Today she went to a friend/neighbor of ours Ashley while we are at the beach. Ashley is looking forward to watching her. Her little boy, Aiden is almost 3, and they are thinking of having another baby so it will be good practice for her. LOL The whole family really.


I signed the boys up for church camp this week. They are going for 4 days in August together at our church's retreat center in Kannapolis. It is not far only about 30 minutes. So if I have to go and get them for whatever reason it is not a few hours away. So that should be interesting. Camp is shortly after my surgery so that will work out good. Plus the kids will be going to Shane's parents for a week each around that time too. They like to have them each for a week by themselves to spend quality time with each one. The kids love it and so do Grandma & Grandpa.


Please continue to keep Papa Fred in your prayers. He is in rehab now and doing well.
Also for little Lestat. He had his surgery on Tuesday. I will let you know when I get an update on his recovery.



Well I guess I better go pack for the beach. I have to pack for 4 of us. But it is just a weekend so it shouldn't take to long. I will let everyone know how the beach is. I hope everyone has a great weekend as well.


To end on a funny note. The boys were cleaning out the trash cans on Tuesday and Chandler comes in and says, " Mom can't we do this as a division of labor?" I said, "You are. You have one trash can and Connor has one." He says, "No Mom. A division of labor would be if I clean the trash cans and Connor gets to pick up all the trash off the driveway from the trash cans." Well excuse me. Apparently he learned that on homework the other day. I glad he is still learning something. LOL

Love to all,
Rachael