Why My Aunt Janet Doesn't Wear Dresses to Church

My Aunt Janet, who by the way is the one who made my Quilt wrote this a few months back. It is hilarious and too funny not to share. Who knew she had such a good sense of humor. Thanks Aunt Janet for a good laugh. Love you. I hope you all enjoy this.


First, Saturday I clogged the garbage disposal with chicken trimmings, you know all the gristle and fat you cut off? I always do that but this time, one of the chicken breasts was white, like it had been freezer burned so I stuffed it down there too and clogged the entire kitchen sink. Don did the Drano, Liquid Plumber etc. but it was still draining very slow Easter morning.

I couldn't run the dishwasher or anything so my kitchen was a total mess.

The last time I did this was on Super Bowl Sunday with potato peelings and the only thing that would work was a device like a balloon you hook up to your garden hose and force a huge blast of water through. This requires that someone get under the sink and take the pipes apart. It's not a fun job but someone has to do it.

So Don has tried at least 3 different drain cleaners before he decides he has to do this. I mutter something under my breath like "You should have done that in the first place?" however I waited until he was in the garage to give him that tidbit of wisdom. He asked if I would help him by tuning on the garden hose, like I don't have enough to do trying to get ready for church. Sheesh!

We finally got it unclogged and the plumbing all put back together, plus he has cleaned and organized the cabinet under my sink. That was almost worth it.

Anyway, since it was Easter, even though it was raining, I decided I should dress up for church. I found a black dress with a small floral print that I decided was a good compromise between Spring and pouring rain.

I put on the dress and got into my "pantyhose/knee high nylon" stash and found a black pair of pantyhose. I have no idea how many years it's been since I've tried to wear them but it's obviously been a few because I could only get them up to my knees. Knowing they were stretchy, I thought I could try a little harder and make them fit. Not so! Did you know when you do that, it just rips huge holes all the way up AND down? It's true.

So, my choice was to either take off the dress and wear jeans, go without any "hose" (as grandma calls them) or wear knee highs with a dress. I didn't have any appropriate "rainy day" shoes to go hoseless, plus my legs haven't seen the sun since last July, so I chose to wear my knee highs. My dress was long enough and the slit was small enough that I was pretty sure it wouldn't show.

I went through the bag of nylons and had a really hard time finding 2 that matched. They all had different patterns on them, or if I found a set, one had a huge hole. I finally found a matching set and put them on. Success! Then I tried to put on my dress shoes and would you believe it? Remember my swollen pinkie toe from dropping and 80 lb. bag of cement on it? I couldn't get them on..

So I take a DEEP breath and look at my shoe closet and see a pair Carolyn sent me. I try them on and they are just a hair too big. I decide it would be a swell idea to roll up one of the knee highs and put it in the toe. Again, success!

So finally, off to church I go, comfortable because I'm not wearing pantyhose, good hair day, feeling great despite the trying morning, with the exception of the rolled up knees high pushing on my toes. I found a parking spot right away, yeah, it's going to be a great day!!!

I went to the Women's Ministries table and bought a ticket for the Spring Tea, chatted with a few of the ladies organizing it and went into service. I decide to go to the bathroom to check my hair because it was a little windy on the way in. One big clump of hair had blown from one side to the other so it was an easy fix, all in all, still a pretty good hair day. So anyway, church was great and I was anxious to get out because I needed to go to WalMart for a few things before going home.

So I'm walking to my car and all of a sudden, I feel my knee high slipping down. I wasn't sure whether to stop and pull it up or just let it keep going. Plus, the little rolled up knee high I had stuffed in the toe had apparently compressed and the heels of my shoes were slipping. So there I am, clip clopping with a knee high nylon falling down around my ankle, good hair though, walking to my car as fast as I could. Like I said my dress was long, plus I had a coat on. By the time I got to my car, that sucker was all the way down around my ankle. I could only hope and pray no one noticed.

So I get to WalMart and step out of the car and I about died. In the sunlight I notice one of my knee highs was black but the other was BLUE! I may have screamed, I can't be sure but needless to say, I need better lighting in my bedroom.

Next week, I'm wearing jeans!