Faith & Decisions

Well let me start off by saying I typed this whole blog last night for an hour and lost it all. So needless to say I was a little peeved last night. So I am having to write it all over again. Let's hope I remember everything. Here we go.....

Above the 1st 2 pictures of the boys are from Father's Day Sunday. They are too handsome. The next ones are the boys with their cakes. We made them and they decorated them themselves. Chandler's was Star Wars & Connor's was a moon with Rockets. They turned out really good. Taste & Decorations in all. They were so proud and said, "These are the best cakes ever, Mom" So that made it all worth it. The next few are from the party and the boys getting their new bikes for their birthdays from us. They both had grown so much the last year that their bikes were way too small. Connor looked like an elephant on an ant as Shane said. LOL So they were pretty happy with their bikes.

Last night we celebrated Chandler's 9th birthday & Connor's 7th birthday at the Neighborhood Pool. They had a really good time. There were about 10 kids all together. We played a game that they would dive for quarters and whatever they found they got to keep. They really seemed to enjoy it. It was fun watching them. Then we did a Silly/Goofy string War. That was a hit also. We had pizza for dinner and a lot of swimming. Dustin, Johnny Lee & Shane provided entertainment in the way for Chicken Fights. Of course the boys loved it. So I think overall it was a great success. The boys were very pleased & stayed up till almost 11pm playing with their new legos and such.

Rewinding to Wednesday, Shane & I met with my surgeon Dr. Turk. Originally we were going to do one breast at a time rather than a bilateral mastectomy, however after much thought we decided that for me psychologically it would be better to go ahead and take both of them. For me I think it would be harder to see "what I had" and the other side being totally flat. It would be hard to match one side to the other so that is why we decided to go ahead with the bilateral mastectomy. Dr. Turk said he was fine with that and that there was no medical reason for me not to do that. He said I was young and healthy and would be fine. Probably only 1-2 nights in the hospital. I will come home with 4 drains that will be in for a week to 2 weeks.

Thursday we met with the Plastic Surgeon, Dr. Cara Criswell of Criswell & Criswell. She was very kind & knowledgeable about her field. She explained the different options which all are centered and affected by the fact that I have to undergo 6 weeks of radiation 5 days a week. I had heard that having implants done before radiation can distort your implants. Which if I have to go thru all of this, I do not want to distorted new breasts if you know what I mean. But she explained that she would be there the day of the mastectomy and would at that time put in expanders. These expanders would be "pumped up" every week until we reach the desired size. Hopefully that would be before I start Radiation. Then after radiation I would have 2 months to recover before she would go in and actually put in the implants. Later she would add the nipple and tattoo the areola. Sorry if that is TMI for some of you. Just the Facts. So I think that is what we are going to do. Plus with her putting in the expanders at the time of the mastectomy I won't be coming out with a flat chest but about a size B without the other 2 "toppings". (Read between the lines) That would come later. So Shane is happy that we now have a plan. So am I except for the fact that she doesn't do the TRAM or the DEIP surgery which they take actual stomach muscles to recreate your breasts. It is major surgery, like 7-12 hours worth and you have to stay in the hospital 5-7 days too. So she said if the only reason I was having the TRAM done was to get a tummy tuck she wouldn't suggest it. Shane, Mr. Logical of course agreed. But he did say that if I was a tummy tuck later I could get one. Yeah. You all our my witness so I can hold him to it. LOL So needless to say I am really bummed about NOT getting my tummy tuck. Shane says I don't need one anyway. How sweet. That is totally dripping with sarcasm by the way. In case you couldn't hear it. LOL Besides there is no surgeon in Charlotte area that does the surgery. I would have to go to Chapel Hill or Duke. I don't think my surgeon would go just for me. Another plus for Dr. Criswell is that she knows my oncologist, Dr. Lementani and really likes him. She has sat on boards for Breast Cancer with him. Some I have found do not know how to take him and therefore do not like him. It is kind of one of those things that you either love him or hate him. We really like him.

This past Wednesday Night I actually felt well enough to go to church. Shane has been taking the boys but most days by that time I am exhausted. I have really missed not being able to go. And would you believe that the topic for the night was "The Prayer of Faith". I thought that was ironic considering I was just talking about Faith the other night. But I guess with God nothing is a coincidence. Pastor Derrick & Pastor Phil taught the lesson. The first point was this:

"Faith is believing God in Spite of Your Circumstances"

This is one thing I really have tried to do during this journey of mine. There are days when I know my faith is low and you can probably tell by my blog entries. But I guess the thing is not to stay that way or in that rut. We still have to believe that God has a plan and that he knows what he is doing. The next point was:

"Faith is Obeying God in Spite of the Consequences"

The Key is not the strength of our faith, but rather the faithfulness of our God.

This is really hard one. What if you knew the outcome? Would you still go down that road? For me this made me think of Abraham & Isaac. God told him to take his son up to the mountain and offer him as a sacrifice. I don't know that I could have obeyed God on that one. I would like to think I would but..... Just the thought of having to offer up one of my children......I don't know that I have that kind of faith. In my situation, I don't have much of a choice. I have breast cancer and I am dealing with it the best way I know how and that is too trust God that he will make all of this turn out OK. One very small example of how I feel that I had to obey God despite what I knew what was coming. It was when I started losing my hair. It was so hard for me to let it go. I just knew I was going to maybe be one of those people who never lost their hair. It was not so. But when I finally surrendered my hair to God (Somewhat of a sacrifice) & said OK. I felt so much better. And from the very next day my hair started growing back amazingly. The doctors and nurses have all said that is very unusual going thru chemo and your hair growing back. But that is our God. He is always faithful to hear & answer our hearts cries. No matter what it may be.

I went up for prayer that night and Pastor Anthony & his wife prayed for me. I am assuming by her prayer, "God you did it for me and I know you can do it again" , That she has been thru the same or something similar to breast cancer. They both layed hands on me and the Holy Ghost fell so powerfully & strong. But God hears our utterances and knows our innermost groanings that sometimes we have no words to describe the pain we feel. I sometimes feel that way when I think of all the what if's that could happen. But I know HE knows and is working it all out.

I truly do believe in the power of prayer and sometimes he doesn't answer our prayers the way we think he should but he is always there no matter what the answer might be.

Jeremiah 30:17

"I will give you back your health & heal your wounds", says the Lord

I am surely going to hold on to this scripture because within the next month I am going to have some serious wounds to heal from but again I know God is with me.

I hope you all have a great weekend,

Love & prayers

Rachael

PS. Update on Little Lestat with CHARGE syndrome. He was to have his hip surgery this week but has an infection and they were not able to perform the surgery. So pray for his quick recovery so they can do the surgery and help this little man move to the next phase of his recovery.

Thank you.