Changes: Dealing with them & Moving On

Above is a picture of Dr. Lemintani & I on my last day of chemo. I asked him today if I was going to die. He said he really did not believe that I would. That is good. Really good. He is a great doctor and I am honored that he is My Doctor. Thank you Dr. Lemintani. I Thank God he gave him the smarts to know what to do to fight this awful disease for me & so many others.

Today is a little bittersweet, which most people would think this is weird. I am so happy that today is my last chemo treatment but in a way I am a little sad because I have come to like my chemo Monday's with Shane. I literally get one whole extra day to spend with him. It has been so special and has given us time to spend with each other that we would not have had otherwise. One small blessing of chemo. I have to go to do the finger bath. Be back soon.

Ok I am back now. Shane had to step out for a board meeting conference call. He has been under so much stress lately trying to keep ITC moving in the right direction until the economy turns around. I feel bad cause I know he doesn't want to worry me about it and doesn't talk to me about it. It does stress me but I feel so bad that he won't talk to me about it. My blood pressure was actually 20 points higher today than normal after talking on the way to my chemo appointment today. I feel absolutely horrible that on top of all of this with work and such that I have put my family thru so much emotionally & financially. Maybe with work cutbacks it wouldn't be such a burden if we hadn't already forked out so much in medical bills. I hate it. I am glad I am getting better but I hate what it is costing my family. Not in just the money.



The economy has been hard on everyone and we have had to make cutbacks for the past year, but now it is really hitting too close to home. Literally. I remember these days when we first moved to North Carolina 22 years ago this year. I had just turned 12 the week before. We slept in the car the first night because all we had was $40. Tony went out the next day to work. We stayed in a hotel with the last of our money. The next day Mom tried to find an apartment for us. She found one and miraculously they waived the deposit. We moved in that day. I remember Mom wearing the same 4 or 5 dresses for a few years. I remember our First Christmas in NC we couldn't afford a Christmas Tree so the boys & I made a tree in the corner with a few Christmas Lights we found. It was a beautiful tree to us all. We ate a lot of soup, megas with whatever we could find in the fridge, & hot dog sandwiches. Those actually were really happy days. I will never forget how Mom & Tony struggled to make it work for us. And it did, we have been so blessed the last 20 years, but now it feels almost like we are starting over again. It is different this time because now I am the parent with Shane and have 3 kids to take care of & make a living for. Now I have even a greater appreciation for what Mom & Tony did for us. I was so mad when Tony moved us from Texas, I was a mean, hateful little 12 year old, but I know he did it for us. Thank you Mom. Thanks Tony for always trying to do what was best for the family. I know I probably didn't say it enough then. But I appreciate what you & Mom built for our Family.


I do still have faith that with God's help that Shane & Tony can bring ITC to what it was or even better. We just have a big mountain in our way right now that we have to cross over. It isn't pretty or fun. But making us all realize what is most important: Family. No matter what, we have each other. And in the end that is all that will really matter. My kids are beautiful, smart, healthy & alive. I have a wonderful husband who even after all of this has no regrets and would do it all over again.......with me. How great is that! He used a line from a movie on me today when I had asked him if he would change anything or if he had any regrets. He replied, " The Pain (of loving in life) is better than regrets all week long & twice on Sunday!!" I am so proud of what he has become and how he takes care of all of us. Even Mom now. Not many women can say that their husbands take care of his in laws. But I can. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that just as Tony way back then took care of us and made hard decisions that Shane will do the same for Our Family now. I love you Babe for all the way to early mornings, maybe soon weekends or the long evenings. Your actions for us speak so loudly & I love you no matter what.



Some days I handle everything really well but I can't help but think about all the changes this year. It has been a really rough year. So much has gone on that a lot of people don't even know about other than our family. Today I guess I am just really reflective about so many things. I know things could be worse but it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I guess God is just taking us back to the basics. Which can be a good thing. The man sitting next to me must have had mouth or lip cancer because he literally has only a hole for his mouth. No lips at all. He can't talk, has to have his food & fluids thru a syringe that goes into his trac. My friend Tonya, on top of fighting breast cancer found out this year that her fiance' has prostate cancer. Yes it truly could be a lot worse. So I am thankful that although going thru this it has so far just been a bump in the road, nothing to overly bad compared to most people going thru chemo. I know the surgery is going to be a big thing to go thru soon. I just have to take it day by day. I know that but it is a little overwhelming.








I guess it all comes back to trusting God. Trusting that he is in control and has our best interest at heart. How could he not. We are his children and he loves us even more than we love our own. And I love my kids. There is a song called Thru the Fire. Some of the words to it are this:

So many times I've questioned certain circumstances, things I could not understand. Many times in trials, weakness blurs my vision

Then my frustration gets so out of hand its then I am reminded I've never been forsaken I've never had to stand the test alone as I look at all the victories the spirit rises up in me and its through the fire my weakness is made strong

Chorus:He never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered our victories without fighting, but he said help would always come in time just remember when your standing in the valley of decision and the adversary says give in. Just hold on, Our Lord will show up and He will take you through the fire again.

I have questioned some days "Why?" Sometimes I see glimpses of why and how God is working and I know it can't always be perfect and for a long time it has seemed that we were so blessed & had it pretty easy, so I guess God decided it was time to shake things up a little. Well it is shaking alright. But what is the saying about going thru the fire for purification? Here we go. But another thing so far that I have not had to go thru is the "Mad Stage". I remember when I found out, I was in Oregon with my cousin Nikki. I went up stairs to go tell her the news amidst my tears and we sat on the floor with Andrew & Caitlyn between us and she prayed for me and all that I would go thru. One of the things that I remember her praying was that I wouldn't go thru a Mad Stage. "So far so good Nik" Thank you. You are such a beautiful prayer warrior. I am so proud of you. Charity & Jen thank you for being such wonderful cousins growing up. I know we have gone thru a lot and drifted to where we were not as close but hopefully we can change that. I love you both.

I know during all of this that God will come thru on time when the time is right. I know I am not alone and that He is walking every step of the way with me. So like the song says, Today I have tears of relief for being done with chemo, sadness for the time I will lose with Shane & just my overall human weakness cloud my vision but I have so much to be thankful for & for all the victories I have overcome. Shane is so strong for me when I feel I am not and want to fall apart. He gently tells me that everything is going to be Ok, that we will be fine thru this rough economy, breast cancer & how much he loves me and whatever else he thinks that I need to hear. I am truly so so blessed beyond measure. Change is not always welcome but always God will take it and use it for our good & his purpose.

So forgive me for being a little emotional today. I have cried off & on all day. I feel like one giant uncontrollable hormone, but I guess it comes with the territory. Shane keeps asking me what is wrong but I guess it is just a lot of emotion & hormones.

I truly am thankful I can say: " I have finished my Chemo Race & fought an Awesome Fight"
Thank you to Mom & Yessie for watching the kids every Monday, Janet who comes and cleans my house even on her off weeks just to help me out, my neighbors who call, visit and bake for me, my children who love me no matter the fact that Mommy has no hair, & My husband who has taken me to Every Chemo session. Thank you Shane I have loved our Mondays but I love you so much more and you being here for me means the world to Me. I love you forever and ever Amen.

Good Night,

Rachael