My Support Group

Above is the first pictures that I have posted of myself bald. That in itself is a little hard. Most other than family have seen me totally bald. But I am dealing with it a whole lot better. So here it is.

Tonight my baby brother Dustin decided that he was going to shave his head in support for me. How sweet is that?!! Plus he let ME do it!! Then the boys decided that they wanted to "support mommy" too. So Dustin was happy to appease them as you can see. One of the boys friends, Heath was over playing with the boys and he wanted to support Ms. Rachael too. So we gave him a "little buzz"
with a # 7. Which was more for his sake for him to think he was getting his haircut too. He was so proud. So we all took our picture together.

I had my herceptin treatment today. I think it has to be a record because I was in and out in and hour and a half. When we got home Shane got ready to go to Durham to see my brother in law, Travis and his wife Skyla. She was admitted last night to have her 1st baby boy. She still has not had the baby as of right now. Pray she has a swift & healthy delivery. After all day she is still only 1 cm. So Shane is with them tonight and will have breakfast with his mom tomorrow because it is her birthday. So it looks like little Gavin might be born on Grandma Chris' Birthday. She will be thrilled. Come on Gavin!!! We can't wait to meet you.

I am feeling really good this week. No headaches at all for about 3 or 4 days. Thank you Jesus. I hate migraines. So all is well.

Good Night & I hope everyone has an awesome week,

Rachael

Hope

Here is my "little blonde beauty" in one of my newest wigs. She got it off the stairs after I took it off. She thought she was so cute. She was waving at us in the above picture. Anyway I just thought I would share it with you.

Today we went to a birthday party for my little cousin Talan who just turned 2. It was very windy today in Carolina. They had a clown come out face paint, magic tricks & balloon animals. Amy's Dad made the comment, "Man, I can't believe her pink wig hasn't fallen off!" I replied to him, "Hey why do you think that I am not out there." LOL He was a little taken back and just said he hadn't thought about that. LOL I thought it was funny. I guess he wasn't expecting me to think it was. Oh Well. "Cancer sense of humor" Not everyone gets it.

Today at church we had our 1st part of the Easter Trilogy. It was all about Hope. They sang a song. "I have this hope" It was beautiful. The whole story was about learning to trust God when you have nothing left or any reason to believe. I guess it hit home a little with everything that I have been experiencing of late. But it was like God was sending me one more message of hope. "Just keep believing" "I hear you Lord. And I Am" Sometimes it is hard, but I have to trust that God is in control & he can see the big picture. Even though I don't understand.

Another awesome "God thing" happened this week. Two years ago I attended a Pampered Chef Party at a neighbor's house. In 2007 after Caitlyn was born I went to another one at another neighbors home. They were all presented by a lady by the name of Sabrina Goble. Last week on Facebook Sabrina contacted me and said she knew me thru someone in my neighborhood who had passed along my blogsite to her. She thought I looked familiar but we were not sure from where. She said that we had a lot in common and should talk. We figured out that we knew each other from the Pampered Chef parties. We have since then talked and truly do have so much in common that there are too many coincidences for it not to be a "God Thing!" This is what we have discovered: We both live in Harrisburg, we both have 2 boys the same ages, we were both diagnosed with breast cancer at a young age, we both attend "cfa" (and did not realize this until this week with the size of our church) & we have the same religious upbringing. Her hair is beginning to grow back and last week she went for her first haircut. She was discussing this with her Beautician. Guess who her beautician is? Tabitha!! Same as me for the last 10 years or so. How crazy is that!!! This morning I prayed that God would let us "find" each other in church today if this was truly his will that we crossed each other's path. Which is crazy in itself because there are approximately 1200 people in church on an average Sunday morning. Shane asked, "How are you going to do that?" I thought, I'm not, God will. I was looking all over and low and behold I saw her. I knew what her and her husband looked like from FB. I couldn't believe it. She was sitting only a few rows up and over. During the time everyone was shaking hands, I headed over to her seat. I lost her. Shoot! Then I looked up and she was headed down towards me. She had seen me also. We hugged and the bond I know we will share began to blossom. God is so good & faithful! He truly does see what we are going thru. Just like the sparrow that falls. I do feel like sometimes no one understands especially seeing how I am doing so well with very little side effects. But God knows. He knew. And he sent me Sabrina. Thank you Sabrina for listening to the Holy Spirit and reaching out to contact me. I am so sorry Sabrina had to go thru all of this, but I am so glad that she understands what I am going thru & will be here to help me thru it. Just as others helped her. Maybe each woman that goes thru this, until they find a cure, is just another vessel for God to use to help another woman thru "the journey".

So today, God has once again boosted my "HOPE" & proved Himself Faithful.

"He will never leave us nor forsake us. "

What an Awesome God we serve! And if you don't. You don't know what you are missing.

All my love,

Rachael

Thank you Julie & Grace for the awesome chocolate bread. It is delicious!!!

Lazy Saturday

This is my adorable "little poser". Isn't she a beauty? My friend Ericka Morgan made her the bow. She was so cute I had to break out the camera. I love you Baby Girl!!

Today it has rained all day. I hope finally after all the rain in the last month we have finally made up for whatever shortage we have had for the previous 2 years. Hopefully we will not be considered in a drought this summer. I hate having brown grass or not being able to run the sprinklers for the boys to play in. But you do what you gotta do. Oh well. Small stuff.

Shane went to a motorcycle show that had parts and clothing for the "Motorcycle World" out there. He bought come chaps & a vest. Both very nice. The boys went with him. They liked looking at all the different motorcycles. Like father like sons. Mom went to get a birthday gift for my little cousin who turned two & fajita meat for his party tomorrow afternoon. I think we are going to go and watch a movie later on today if Shane will watch the 3 little munchkins for us. Which I am sure he will. He is really good about that.

Caitlyn took a nap while the boys were gone. I filled out medical forms for Caitlyn & Connor for a new pediatrician and Connor to see a urologist next week. His frequent urination is driving me crazy and I am sure him too. So I am going to take him to see a specialist to see if anything can be done or if his bladder is just small. We shall see. I hope they can do something. Played around on Facebook for awhile & read emails too. Nothing major but things I had been putting off.

After checking my email, I discovered that our neighborhood is having a yard sale on May 9th. They are also having a bake sale on my behalf for breast cancer. I was so shocked, surprised & humbled that they would do this for me. It has been amazing the outpouring love, support, prayers, & friendship that has come our family's way since all of this has happened. It makes you really appreciate your family, friends, & neighbors. I knew I lived in a great neighborhood, but this just really is above and beyond. It made me think that maybe, somehow the city of Harrisburg could sponsor or host a "Walk for the Cure" for breast cancer. I have met so many just in the Harrisburg City Limits that have had breast cancer. Hope it is not in the water! JK LOL. Anyway maybe I will check into it. That would be fun to have a walk just for that purpose. I really think the town of Harrisburg would rally together for such a great cause.

Neelah, our dog was spayed on Thursday. Not too fun. She has to wear a goofy collar and gets mad when she can't get something. Cries at night and has been a real overall pain. She has to be walked instead of just letting her out into the backyard. Which she doesn't like either. Plus it has been raining almost all week, therefore making a mess every time the dogs come in. It has been wonderful. Shane says, "Did we really need to do this now?" I didn't know it was going to be such an ordeal. "Sorry!" Too late now.

Well I am going to go for now. Caitlyn is going to be ready for another nap shortly and Mom should be home unless she ran away from our chaotic household. LOL I wouldn't doubt it, but I think she is enjoying way too much. It has been fun and the kids like it a lot. They fight over who gets to "spend the night" with Grandma Lin. LOL It is funny. But I am glad she has been able to have "bonding" time with all of us.

Love & Thanks to All,
Rachael

A New Look for Me

Today I went wig shopping again. I went to a place called Becky's in China Grove off of exit 85. She is so awesome and helpful. She has a daughter my age that has cancer in Duke. So she knows what it is like to go thru this. She ordered a few wigs in that were more to my color. I was so excited to go today. Audra my brother's girlfriend went with me. Mom had a dentist appointment. Long story there, don't ask!! Anyway it was fun and I found two new hairstyles. They need a little trimming around my face to fit me more but Tabitha is going to do that on Tuesday for me. They will fit me even better & look more like "me"!

So you guys will have to let me know what you think.

One is short & sassy,

The other a little longer like what I had before.

Love to all,

Good Night

Rachael

A Revelation

I had a somewhat of an enlightening revelation the other day about losing my hair. I have been saying from the beginning that I felt like I was going to have to go thru this not that God couldn't heal me but that was not the "plan". I have said that I trusted him that he knows what he is doing. After all, He is God. But when it came to my hair I think I fell a little short of trusting. I wasn't walking the walk, just all talk. I am not proud of this, but I was really hanging on to my hair and not wanting to give it up or trusting God with my hair issues that I was having. But let's be honest I am probably not the only one.

Anyway my revelation was this: I wasn't completely trusting him like I thought I was. Maybe with everything else but not my hair. I know he knows how important it was to me. So then I thought about Abraham & his son Isaac. He completely trusted God when he was told to offer him as a sacrifice. And not until God knew he would go thru with the act did he stop him & provide a "way out". So I finally realized that until I totally surrendered my hair to God and fully trusted him he couldn't finish the work that he started in me. And when I realized that I felt liberated & free. It is OK. God still has a plan. I have no hair, but God still has a plan.

So for me giving up my hair was my "sacrifice" to Him. It was hard but I really trust he knows what he is doing. And that makes it a lot easier to deal with & handle when I let him take control & not worry about it myself.

Tomorrow I am going to buy a few more wigs to have something different. My Dad, Tony has been kind enough to be my supplier in this area. I am very grateful. Thank you. I am excited to try a few new looks and have fun with it. When I got my first one it was more just fun but now it is a necessity and before my revelation very depressing. However, now I am going to have some fun with it. So I am looking forward to it.

I hope everyone has a good rest of the week.
All my love,
Rachael

Living with "It"

Well, day by day we are all learning and living with Cancer. I actually think about it more lately than before because of my hair. But the crazy thing is after we shaved my head, my hair is already growing back. How does that work? Just my Luck!! Travis my brother said, "Hey sis, you think you might have jumped that gun on the whole shaving thing?" LOL Oh Well it was falling out even after buzzing it so it had to be shaved. We will see what happens from here.

I am getting more comfortable with my baldness each day. It still is a shock when I forget but I was outside today with just a hat but you can obviously tell I am bald so it wasn't like my neighbors couldn't tell. Chandler asked, "Mom do you think you need your wig on?" That was to ride bikes around the neighborhood. I didn't know whether he wanted me to or if he thought I forgot I didn't have my hair on. LOL I didn't because my head was a little cold after awhile. But we had fun anyway. Caitlyn loves it outside and actually pitches a fit if we have to go in and she is not ready. She likes to throw the ball to the dog and Neelah actually brings it back to her. She just belly laughs. She thinks it is the funniest thing when we all throw the ball around & over her. Like keep away. She laughs so hard she falls over. It is adorable.

Shane wrestled with the boys on the trampoline for awhile. Caitlyn likes for DaDa to hold her and jump. Then she tries to jump herself and looks like a fairy leaping around. She can't quite get the whole jumping thing down. But it sure is cute to watch her try. She found a black bucket in the yard and thought it was a hat. So she walked around with a bucket on her head all night. They are so fun to watch. They are just enjoying life without a care in the world. I love it. It reminds me to remember what the important things are. We are so blessed. I am so thankful for my hubby & kids. They keep me going and loving our life together.

My mom has been so much help. She helps me so much. I probably take advantage of her more than I should. She gets the boys up in the morning so I can sleep in, does most of our laundry, a lot of the grocery shopping, cooks dinner some nights or helps me do it, & we have a live in babysitter. Yeah!!! Thank you Mom so much. I probably could do this on my own but I am so glad I don't have to. I love you. You are the best.

Over all life is great. Tony took me to my treatment today and he was saying how surreal it was being there because unless you see me hooked up to all my meds you would never know I was sick. I feel the exact same way. But I am so thankful for it. It makes it hard to deal with sometimes but it is much better than being or feeling sick. I am still having migraines but with Motrin/Tylenol it is becoming more manageable.

We are all doing well and adjusting to our lives with Cancer. It has not taken over our lives just my Monday's. LOL But as I said before it gives me time with my hubby or whoever takes me that week. Which I have 46 more to go so everyone can have a chance. No fighting Please. JK

My Aunt Lynnea & Uncle Paul from Washington State sent me a little card that says What Cancer Cannot Do. I just thought I would share it with you.

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple Love

It cannot shatter Hope

It cannot corrode Faith

It cannot destroy Peace

It cannot suppress Memories

It cannot silence Courage

It cannot invade the Soul

It cannot kill Friendship

It cannot steal Eternal Life

It cannot Conquer The Spirit

I am determined not to let this cancer beat me or my family. We will become better for it. I look forward to the challenge Cancer. Bring it On!!!

All my Love,

Rachael

Girl's Night Out

Last night we all dressed up and had a Girls Night Out at Flemings Steakhouse downtown Charlotte. It was mainly to celebrate Yesenia's 25th Birthday but it was a good excuse to get out for the night. We all needed it. We had a lot of fun eating, laughing & just enjoying each other's company. Left to Right is:(My mom: Lin, Audra (my brother's girlfriend & close family friend), Yesenia my sister in law, ME, & Tia Marta my Aunt) We enjoyed eating filet, lobster, & crab. It was delicious.

This was my first time out in public with my wig so I was a little self conscious to say the least. I know it is just me and unless you know me the average joe doesn't know I am wearing a wig. But I couldn't help but wonder if when people looked at me, "Can they tell it's a wig?" Probably not.

I finally this afternoon looked at myself in the mirror. The saying, "Take a good look at yourself in the mirror." Has more meaning to me than most. I still don't know what I feel seeing myself this way. I know that as I stood there I know I can't forget that I do have cancer. It is a constant reminder, daily! I guess that is the part I hate. It was nice to forget it once in a while. I am sure I will eventually become used to being bald and it will be "normal". I guess I just feel so "stripped" down & transparent. I want to cry for my loss but I have to think of what I am gaining. "MY LIFE" This chemo that is making me lose my hair is saving my life too. It is weird of how something that is so sad is going to give me back my life. Kind of like Calvary. As sad & horrible as it was it has given all of us a chance at New Life. Not just a better life but a new one. I am not saying what I am going thru is anything like Christ, but that God can take something unhappy & make it into something beautiful.

Overall I still feel really good. It seems that instead of nausea & vomitting I get heartburn & migraines for about the 4-8 day after chemo. But I will take that over the alternative.

I am going to call it a night. My head is killing me.

Good Night,
Rachael

Joy Cometh in the Morning

Last night before we cut my hair, Shane knew how hard it was for me. I had already cried upstairs before I came down to face the kids. I didn't want them to see me upset & crying. So before they made it downstairs Shane & I prayed that God would help us thru this, make it a family time and to give us all peace. It really helped because I was able to hold back my tears for the kids sake even though inside my heart was breaking as I watched the rest of my blonde hair fall to the floor. I think even more or just as humbling as having your feet washed is to have your husband have to shave your head. That is a very humbling experience. But he did for me.

As of right now, I still haven't been able to look at myself "bald". I wore a beanie hat to bed and as I pass in front of the mirror...I just feel like I scream, "Cancer". I don't want to look like I am sick. I was doing so well with being able to pretend it wasn't going to happen or that I really wasn't sick. The kids were doing so good and had not really seen any drastic changes in Mommy, but now it is a daily reminder to us all. I did wake up with a thankful heart that this means my chemo is working, I am getting better, and I have the best family. It is just really hard accepting this part of "cancer".

I don't feel depressed like I have the last few days this morning. I know when I wash or fix my hair it is not going to come out but I am so sad for the loss of my beautiful blonde hair. I am going to attempt to wear the wig and hopefully it won't look like a wig. It should be interesting.

In my devotional yesterday, it said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Matt. 6:34 So my mindset today is "Don't Worry" I can do this. I will do this in Jesus Name & with his perfect strength. He says he will never give us more than we can handle & I am so holding on to that promise right now for today.

Thank God It Is Friday!!!!!!!
I hope everyone has a great Friday & a wonderful Weekend.
All my love,
Rachael

PS. There are several more pictures on Facebook of "Our Hair Cutting". Connor took most of them. Enjoy!!

A New Beginning/ A New Me

Well I guess the above as the saying goes a picture or pictures are worth a thousand words.

I finally had to shave my hair off this evening. It was really thin & looked bad. So Mom bought some clippers today without, me knowing, and gently set them on the table and told me,"You know it will be better." I don't know about that, but going around and watching in slowly fall out more and more was just really depressing me. I was hating how I was feeling and I was getting tired of being depressed over my hair.

So We Did It!!! All of us. W made it a family affair. Connor was very eager to help relieve me of what little bit of hair that I had left. I asked him if he was still going to love Mommy even though I was bald. He simply said, "Of course, Why wouldn't I?" I love that little boy. Chandler made a few cuts but left the room in tears. He had been asking me all week if I am OK. I just told him I was a little sad because my hair was falling out so much. So I think that it was a little much once Shane brought out the clippers. He knew how hard it was for me to do this. He is really such a sensitive & loving boy. But as you can see he came back out and is doing better now. Caitlyn sat and watched in her chair the whole time. After I was done she rubbed my head & gave me a kiss. Mom took pictures and gave much needed support. Shane told me how hot I was even bald. I don't agree with that. But not much choice now.

Shane shaved the rest in the shower for me. So now it is completely bald & smooth. Maybe I will get brave and post a picture later. I, myself, have not looked at it totally bald. So I don't even know what it looks like. That was the shortest 2 day haircut I have ever had.

We are going out tomorrow for Yesenia's 25th Birthday for a Girl's Night Out to Flemings Steakhouse. I will get to wear my wig out in public for the first time. So that should be interesting. I will let you all know.

Please continue to pray for all of us. It is not something that is just affecting me but my husband, kids, & family. This so far is our biggest adjustment and milestone & the most obvious sign of my sickness especially for the boys. I know we are going to be alright but it is emotional for all of us.

Thank you again for the love, prayers, & support.

Rachael

My Second Haircut in 3 weeks

Here is my new haircut that I had done today. I am not to keen on it. But it is OK and hopefully will not shed as bad as my other one was. It was getting pretty bad. I had hair everywhere. My hair has become about half the thickness that it once was. It feels so weird to have so little hair.

Tabatha said by the way it was coming out it would probably be gone within a week. So next is a buzz. Yuck!! I am so dreading it but I know I will have to eventually.

I feel really good health wise. No nausea/vomiting or headaches. I am having trouble sleeping but all in all it is pretty good. Better than I would have thought possible. I am very thankful for the lack of side affects that I have not had to experience. I hope tomorrow is as good as today.

I hope everyone is having a great week. I am a little tired tonight so I think I will go to bed early. Maybe I can actually sleep. Thank you to everyone for the prayers, comments, emails, phone calls, & goodies. I love it all. I am truly blessed with an awesome support group.

Love to all

Rachael

Look Good, Feel Better

We Look Good & Feel Wonderful

Thank you Linda & Joy!!

Today from 3 to 5 plus some, I went to a look good feel good class with a friend that I have not seen in 13 years. We used to work at Heilig-Meyers together that long ago. We met in chemo as I have mentioned before. We both have breast cancer & on our left side. Crazy HUH???!! Not as crazy as us though. We had so much fun and we were the life of the party. They gave us all kinds of makeup ideas to help your self feel better even though sometimes you might not feel like it, especially when we lose our hair. They showed us how to tie scarves, which with my power port and a rosette on the side of my head I was "Star Wars" bound to be Princess Leia. LOL It was a lot of fun. Tanya says she is bringing the sexy back into bald. "You go girl" It is nice to know and physically be able to call & hang out with someone who is going thou this. And the fact that we knew each other before is an added blessing. Thanks for signing up with me for this class, Tanya. It was a lot of fun & I hope you had fun too.

So if anyone out there does have cancer or knows someone who is going thru it, there are look good feel good classes all over the US, Canada, & Puerto Rico. Just google, Look Good Feel Good.

It was such a blessing & tons of fun.

After our class, Shane took me out to dinner at Radcliffe on the Green. It was delicious. The portions are perfect. It is our motto to try new restaurants and different things. Shane had a duck stew & I had chicken & mushroom crepes with sauteed spinach & homemade mac n cheese.

Great Place to try and affordable for being a quaint little place in downtown Charlotte.

I have really learned to love my Mondays. Obviously not because of chemo, which actually isn't too bad, but because it has been such a bonding time & quality time to spend with Shane. We get to talk a lot which if you know Shane that is a lot in itself, sometimes even to me. But I truly treasure these hours that we get to be together just him & I. And if not for these circumstances, we wouldn't have "Our Monday's" So I have yet another thing to be thankful to cancer for: Quality Time with my Husband. I Love it, but I love him so much more.

I think I am going to call it a night.

Happy Reading.

Love Rachael Renea

The Battle Worth Fighting

As I sit here in my 2nd chemotherapy, it can be a little depressing looking around at the sickness that surrounds me. It is easy to dwell on the negative of the situation instead of thanking God for all the good in my life. Shane is sitting here by my side as he has from the very beginning of all of this. I think more than anything him taking off work to be with me means so much. Anyone who knows Shane knows his work ethic, knows he does not miss work for anything & for him to not be at work is a lot for him. It is just a gesture from him to me that says more than any words could.

I was able to use my port for the first time today. They spray a numbing solution on the skin where they will insert the needle into the port. It is so cold that it numbs your skin. Then they stab you in the port and you are ready to go. It just feels like a very small prick. So much better than being stuck 3 times just to get started. My hemoglobin levels are still very good. So I am very happy & thankful about that. Sometimes they seemed surprised at the good reports but I just continue to think, I serve a big God & they don't know how many prayers are going up on my behalf. Again, the bigger the battle-the bigger the victory. So today is victory in Jesus Name.

I have to go for now. It is time for my ice cold finger bath. Yeah!!!! LOL BRRRR!!!

I am done with one of my meds, now starting herceptin & then one more to go. It is now almost 12 noon. Shane has gone to get lunch for us at a BBQ Place called Max's. Sounds good & I can't wait to try it. It was recommended by one of the Dr.'s here. She said it is like a biker hang out which is right up Shane's alley. Although with the weather today it is probably not that busy with bikers. We are going to try ourselves to go on a weekend bike trip soon. We wanted to go last weekend but it was rainy here & snowy in the mountains. So that was that. Word on the street is that my Father in law has acquired a new Gold Wing. Now I hope Shane does not get any bright ideas from that. We shall see.

I am still feeling really good. Too good for having breast cancer & going thru chemo. It is crazy because if I didn't know better I would never know that I am "sick". I am grateful that I am not sick but it makes this whole experience surreal.

Sunday the Youth Pastor, Jon Hernandez, talked about Miracles Worth Fighting For. It was really inspiring as he broke down the different things that affect us & our encounter with God. If you truly have an encounter with God, it is going to change you. You won't stay the same. Your "walk" will be different! If it isn't you need to find alone time/"wrestling time" with God until you become different. The best quote he said that meant a lot to me was this: "God doesn't want to take who you are & make it better, but to take who you were, discard it & make you new." Wow what a thought!! I think I have even said on my blog, "I hope this will make me a "better" person." But what I found out was that I want God to use this "journey" to make me a "Different person" NOT just a "Better person"!! Another thought he shared with us it how it will change our generations to come. And my kids are the biggest reason for me to fight this "battle" & WIN! But to think that as much as I am fighting this earthly battle how much more should I fight for the spiritual welfare of my children & grandchildren & their kids that I might never even know. I am so thankful for my spiritual heritage & in this day in age I will have to fight even harder to pass it on to my children.

Thanks Pastor Jon for an awesome heart felt message. I loved the prayer time together at the end. It was kind of a way to consecrate all that we had heard to ourselves and with others around us. Keep up the awesome job you are doing with the Youth. May God give you all the desires of your heart for your faithful service & devotion to him. I am a walking miracle that "God still anwers prayers" I think it is sometimes easier for us to tell others that when we are not in it, but as someone is going "thru" it to another "Never Give Up" God will give you the desires of your hearts, he will make your path straight, & be that light that sometimes you feel has burned out. I have found that "God's" answer is not always what we think it should be, but he will always answer, guide you, & give you the strenghth you never knew you had to go "thru" it. Just like the Oak Tree that I posted a few nights ago. That really touched me and I hope if you read it, it will minister to you in some small way. Thanks again for speaking the Word of God from your heart. Awesome God!! Awesome Word!!!

After chemo today, I am going to a "Look Good, Feel Good" class. They give you tips for tying scarves, applying make up for your eyebrows when you lose them, and other great things. So I am really excited about that. They even give you free makeup. Yeah!! Anyone want to go. Too bad you have to have cancer first. LOL JK. I will let you all know how it goes after the class. It is from 3-5 pm. I am also going to the class with a friend who I met in chemo. So that should be fun. Gotta go for now.

A Thankful Heart

Today I had an appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Limentani. He examined me and came in to measure my tumor which to begin with was 7 cm & very measurable. But today he could not even find enough to measure. He said the tumors were breaking up making it feel very lumpy but there was not enough to measure. Praise God. I was thrilled. So I can only imagine after 5 more chemo sessions that this could be totally gone by the time I have the surgery. Which is really good because that increases my prognosis by about 30%. So I was very thankful to have such great news.

My port is becoming less uncomfortable & sore. My shoulder is still a little sore but I haven't had to take any meds for 2 days now. It is a little bruised around where the port is but the incision is very slight & looks like it will hardly have a scar at all.

My hair is still slowly falling out. But each day I am becoming a little more OK with what is probably going to happen. I guess I am still holding out that is won't totally fall out or because my hair is so thick that it will only thin it out. You can't tell by looking at it that it is falling out other than the fact that I might have a few hairs on my back, OK probably a lot. But I still have hair on my head. I am very Thankful for that. I have made it longer than a lot of patients do.

I am very Thankful for all of my family, neighbors & friends that have brought goodies by, the gift baskets, fruit baskets, & all the sweet cards, comments, & emails. I know I am very blessed to have so much family that care & can help us out during this crazy "journey". One thing I have found out during all of this is I have such a big network or family & friends. I think sometimes in life we don't really realize how many friends & family we really have and then going thru something like this you make so many more new friends who have walked this same journey who are there to support you & your family.

Even thru all of this I know I am Blessed & I have a very Thankful Heart for the life God has so richly given me to live. And I plan to live this life to the very fullest that I can. I have a wonderful husband, 3 adorable children, a great extended family, & good church family, & A Mighty Big God who is on my side and fighting for me too.

I am blessed, loved,& have a very Thankful Heart

No matter what comes my way

I am going to make it thru this.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

All my love,

Rachael

The Oak Tree

Today Jeff & Dawn Arwine sent me a card with a beautiful poem in it. It truly has amazed me how on days when I am not having such a good day God sends just the right thing along to remind me how much he cares and loves me. Even though sometimes I feel alone. Even in as busy of a household that the Higginbotham Household is. So I thought that I would share this with everyone. Maybe you have heard it before, if not I hope it encourages you as much as it did me. Thank you so much Jeff & Dawn for the beautiful gift basket & card. I loved it and will enjoy pampering myself.

The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr
A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the oak tree's leaves away.

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke.

How can you still be standing Oak?

The oak tree said, I know that you can break each branch of mine in two

Carry every leaf away Shake my limbs, and make me sway

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You'll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I've found, with thanks to you

I'm stronger than I ever knew

So on this journey when I am feeling a little down about my hair or anything that may come my way I will always remember that God has made me like an "Oak Tree" planted with deep roots since my birth. He has a plan for my life and a purpose. And this "Journey" is my "Strong Wind" It may shake me, sway me, and maybe even carry every leaf (hair) away but in the end I will be stronger for it & know just how much I can endure & I will be:

"Stronger than I ever Knew"

All my love,

Rachael

PS. Thank you to Han for giving my a wonderful Pedicure & Manicure. It made me feel a lot better. May God Bless you for your acts of kindness.

Thank you Yesenia for all the help you have given me with Caitlyn & the Boys. I couldn't do it without you. I hope you know how much I appreciate & love you. You are a wonderful sister in law. Thanks

The Hair Giant

Well today is another day in this "journey". I am doing better about my hair. I am still soooo disappointed. Who would have thought I was vain about my hair? I really will miss is. At least it is in the summer and my head won't be too cold. Now I have a little sympathy for men with balding heads and receding hairlines.

Anyway, I am still a little sore from the surgery but everyday it gets a little less sore and I can stretch my arm a little farther. It still is too sore to lift CaityBug which I miss dreadfully. I miss putting her to bed and rocking her before. But I know it is only for a short time before I can do it again. I think Mom & Shane are enjoying taking turns though. So that is good bonding time for them.

It has been good Mom being here. She helps out with anything and everything. Today she came in and woke me up with a nice cup of coffee. She got the boys up so I could sleep in. That was really nice. Because I am not a morning person.LOL My mom tells me that I will be beautiful either way even if I am bald. But she is my mom and she is supposed to say that. LOL I love you Mom thanks for everything and for being here for me. No matter what!!

My brother Travis is home from the military after 6 years of service. We are so proud of him and glad he is finally home. He keeps trying to tell me the bald women are sexy. (Grace Jones, Demi Moore, Sinead O'Connor, Susan Powter) What a guy? I think it is a little weird that they think bald women are sexy.

I still am not ready to shave it off. Maybe if it gets worse towards the end of the week. But for now I think I will hang on to it for a while. Everyone has been so kind coming by and calling to check on me. Making me homemade goodies. I love it. One of my favorites is the edible arrangement that Dustin & Yesenia got for me. It looks like a flower arrangement but it is made of fruit. Some even have chocolate on them. They are delicious.

Anyway at the moment my brothers are here. So we are all together for the first time in a while. It is pretty funny hanging out as grown ups and being goofy. We are going to play a game of greed tonight together. So that should be fun. I know Mom is glad to have all her kids under one roof. So we definitely have a full house. Last count 4 kids, 7 adults & 2 dogs. 13 total Wow that is a lot. Even just writing it down. But it is fun.

So my hair giant is still hanging around. No pun intended. Really. But I am dealing with it. And know that I will make it thru. But right now it is still hard to comprehend that I will probably be bald by the end of the week. I guess right now I can go anywhere and "pretend" that everything is fine and that I am "normal" & not really sick. Once my hair falls out it is such a vi sable sign for to everyone, like wearing a "Scarlet letter" that says "Hey, I have Cancer" I am not ready for that stage of the "journey" but on this journey it is "ready or not" you have to get ready. So I am preparing for this next giant to conquer. If anything else it will make me appreciate my hair more when it does come back. I will conquer this "giant". It will be a big one to conquer but the bigger the giant the bigger the victory. Right? In Jesus Name.

All my love,
Rachael

Day 15

Today is the 15th day since I started chemotherapy. Today wasn't a good day. I at first noticed that a strand of hair here and there. Then I was rubbing my hand thru my hair and a clump of about 20 strands of hair came out. I guess I was doing so good and no signs of my hair coming out that I really thought maybe I won't lose it. But I did in more ways then one. I was laying in bed when Shane came home to get the boys to take them for a haircut and he asked me what was wrong, because I am never in bed when he gets home. I started to cry and told him that my hair was falling out. He asked, "How do you know?" I grabbed my hair and pulled. And another clump came out. All I could do was sob and tell him I didn't want it to fall out and to be ugly. He said I was being ridiculous and that if the roles were reversed it wouldn't bother me. That is true but I think for ladies it is a little different. Maybe it is just me but I hate this part. I had Shane comb my hair a little before going back downstairs, as he did I could feel all the strands of hair falling out on my shoulders & arms. I just told Shane, "Please stop. I can feel it falling all over me." Then cried some more. I knew it would be hard and that I would cry but emotionally I feel like crap. I dread how I know that I will feel looking at myself in the mirror, wondering if my husband still finds me attractive or if the kids will think their mommy looks wierd and won't want to be close to me . I know the words are there but actually seeing someone with a bald head is a little different. I know with all my heart that Shane is not that shallow but I think it will be harder to see me like that then he thinks. Connor hugged me today after I discovered that my hair was starting to fall out and pulled his hand away from my hair and had a clump of hair in his hand. I told him, "Mommy's hair is starting to fall out." He just pointed to my wig and gave me a big hug. I am sure all this is totally normal but right now it feels as if I am the only one going thru it. I know that is not true and is selfish & probably narrow minded but right now that is how I feel.

Shane is going to help me wash my hair tonight because I am too sore to lift my arm to do it myself. I am dreading that because I know now that it is going to fall out when he does & I can't bear to see all my hair "go down the drain" LOL Hey I made a joke!! Go figure. I guess somewhere in there my sense of humor still lies, but right now it feels a little dormant.

I will just have to remember today that: HIS strength is perfect when my strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in his power the weak become strong. His strength is perfect. His strength is perfect.

It will get better I know. And I know it will be OK eventually but tonight I miss my hair, my femininity that I feel I am going to lose. Sorry this is such a depressing post but I guess some days are just like that on this "journey".

Love to all,
Rachael

PS. Thank you Babe for your constant reassurance of your never ending love for me no matter what. I love you. Forever & Ever Amen

Giant for the day: Surgery for Power Port

Today I had surgery to have my port put in which will make it easier to administer my chemo &
herceptin treatments. It was a long day. We left the house at 8:20am and got home at 7:15pm. Shane did take me out to eat at Blue tonight downtown Charlotte seeing as how we were already there. It was delicious. Thanks Babe. However it made for a long day going in for surgery and then having to go straight from there to my herceptin treatment.



I arrived at the hospital about 9:10am, checked in & waited. Around 10:00am they came to get me and prep me for surgery. I still was not convinced that this was best. However after being stuck 4x today alone just to get an IV going I said, "Ok Lord, I can take a hint. I will do it." Plus my doctor said his kids needed new shoes this week. So however I can help him out....LOL He is really funny. I like him a lot.



I was sent to recovery and was able to leave there around 2:15pm. Next, we headed to the oncologist office for my herceptin treatment. We had been there for about 35 minutes and still had not been called back. I went and asked the receptionist how much longer it would be. She forgot to tell them I was there. Great! Just what I needed! Oh well. We had already spent the day in the hospital what was 35 more minutes. So I got back to the treatment room and waited some more for them to mix up my "cocktail". I slept thru this one because I was just so tired from the anethesia and the day. About 4:30 we were finally done for the day. Then we went to eat at Blue then home.



Shane had to help me undress, bathe, & get dressed for bed. I told him I thought we were going to be a whole lot older before we would have to be doing this. But my arm/shoulder area where they put the power port in is really sore. Not painful but just sore. Like I went to exercise boot camp and then someone punched me really hard in the shoulder. OWW!!! But no sharp pain or anything like that. I told the boys it could be like a Star Wars person & I bet no one in their class had a mommy with a power port. I let them feel it and see a picture of what the port looks like. It is a purple triangular shape with a circle on top then a tube that goes into your blood vessel. Connor said," Mommy you have a purple heart!" He thinks it looks like a heart. Too cute. Yesterday I told them I was having surgery and Connor said, "Mommy they are going to cut "it" off?" I told him,"No!"
That they were just putting in a device so mommy didn't have to get stuck with a needle everytime. He said that was good because he didn't like shots either. Chandler keeps asking,"Mommy when are you going to lose your hair?" "I don't know, Chandler!" "But Mommy you said we could ask you anything?" " You can, but I don't know the answer to that one. It will probably be this week." I think he thinks it will just be neat to see me with no hair. Typical kid.


All in all today was a good day. But I am pretty tired and Shane has to proofread my post before I post it because I am a little "loopy" from pain meds.

Love to all,
Rachael

Facing Our Giants

This weekend has been really good and relaxing for us. Just hanging out at home enjoying this beautiful Carolina weather. It was actually 79 here today. Absolutely Gorgeous. I am so ready for spring. It just represents so much new life. I have been feeling really good still. A few headaches but controllable with Advil & Tylenol. Thank God.

This morning Pastor Ross spoke about Giants. And going thru this I can say that I think this is the biggest giant I have ever faced in my entire life. And I know anyone who has had the ugly "C" word in their household would probably agree. The outcomes can be so random. Some respond well others have to try other means of treatment and for some they lose their lives. The unknown is so scary. But Pastor Ross showed us a way for us to put those "giants" that are in our lives in their place.

He said some of the giants in our lives can be things as simple as fear & unbelief. Those are some that I deal with off & on thru this "journey" of late. But I have to remember that the Bible says, "Perfect love casteth out all Fear" Not some of my fears but all of them. I know sometimes I worry/fear that I am not doing a good job with the kids. But I read a devotional one day that said, "Do you trust God with your job, your home, finances, safety, salvation, protection, & we could go on & on." Of course all of us would answer, "Yes, I trust him!" Almost defensive, "Like how could you ask such a question?" And God softly & gently answers, "Then trust me that I chose this child for you & have given him/her to you for a purpose. I picked you for his mommy/daddy. I then think, "Wow!!" How true is it that God knew us before we were created in the womb. So of course he knew the child he was giving me and that I would do a good job with his help. One of my favorite scriptures as a child was, "What time I am afraid I will trust in thee." I used to say that if I had nightmares or something now it has taken on a whole new meaning for me.

Another thing that really struck me today was the comparison of the valley to the mountain top. So many times when we are going thru a trial we say we are going thru a valley, but if you look at pictures and consider what a mountain top is compared to a valley. The valley is so pretty, Luscious green grass & cool waters. What's not to love?!! But the mountain top is pretty rocky sometimes like our lives. Then I was thinking about the 23rd Psalm when it says, Yeah though I walk thru the valley of the "shadow of death". Maybe this is where that concept of the valley being "bad" comes from. But as I write this another thought came to me, "What makes the shadows in the valley? Answer: The mountains around it. I don't think is was saying the valley was "bad" but it was the "shadow of the mountain". The mountain was the shadow of death in the valley. Just a thought. I am no theologian and have never been to Bible School but this just really hit me writing this and thinking about the sermon today. Maybe I am wrong but it sounds good to me and makes since in light of the message today. LOL

So moving along, I am so thankful for how well I am feeling. Never in 100 years would I think this is what is feels like to have breast cancer & going thru chemo. I know it is only due to all the prayers that have been said on my behalf. I am eternally grateful to each and everyone of you who pray for me. Some I don't even know personally & that makes it even more special that you would take the time to say a prayer for someone you don't even know. I still have a head FULL of hair. A little shorter but still very thick. They say it usually falls out around day 14 or 15 which is tomorrow. YUCK!! I know it will probably happen sooner or later. But I keep hoping I might be one of the few that doesn't loose their hair. I know that is unrealistic but maybe, just maybe I chopped my hair for nothing. LOL That would be funny.

Tomorrow I am going to have surgery to have a Port a Cathe put in. This is a device that they put underneath your skin usually above your heart and below your shoulder blade. It is used do administer chemo, so that they don't have to stick me 52x in my arm. How thoughtful of them? Right?!! LOL They have a numbing spray that they put on you before they stick the needle into the "port". Sounds kind of X-Files to me. But whatever. I'll let you know if it is any better than getting stuck every week. It seems to me that either way I am getting stuck so what is the big deal. As you can see, I am not thrilled about it. But apparently I don't have a choice. This is a giant for me this week.

After surgery, I will be in recovery for a few hours and then have to go to the Oncologist office to have my weekly herceptin treatment. So it will be a very long day tomorrow. Shane is going with me to both. I am glad he will be there for me. So please pray for a speedy recovery from that with no complications & for my bad attitude towards it. JK or as Pastor says,"Kind Of"

One of my final thoughts for the day is from a song that we sang at church today by Chris Tomlin:

:How Great is Our God"

The chorus goes like this:

How great is our God,

sing with me

How great is our God

and all will see How great,

how great is our God !!

I love this song. It always reminds me of God's Greatness. He is not to big for busy mom's & dad's, for our economy, for jobs, or even in my case cancer. He is a great big God. Another thing that Pastor said today was,"Quit looking at how big the giant is!!! Look at how Big Our God Is!!!!" So this week that is what me and my house are going to do. We are going to look at how BIG Our GOD really is. And hopefully "All" will truly see how great he his thru all of us.

PS. As you can tell I enjoyed the message today. Thank you Pastor Rick.

Good Night & I hope you have a wonderful week,

Rachael

Comments

Some have contacted me and said they are having trouble leaving comments. I took off the security code thing. So please try again. I love reading everyone's comments. It means a lot that you all take time out of your busy schedules to read our blog. And even more when you comment. We love you all. Thank you for your prayers, support, flowers, & kind words.

Love to All,
The Higginbothams

Guess Who???

This is a funny one for tonight. Sometimes we all just need a good laugh. And the Lord blessed me with one of the goofiest brothers alive. Dustin decided to try on my new wig I got today. I hope you enjoy these as much as we did. Thanks for a really good laugh tonight D. I love you.

Faith

I know we have all heard the scripture quoted," Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen." Well now I get to really live it. Do I really believe that God can bring me thru this? All of my knowledge of who God is screams to me, "Yes, I believe, but in my heart of hearts, Do I? I think that is the essence of what Faith really is. I have no reason not to believe. If I don't what else is there? Nothing. A void & a longing that I know only God can fill. Yes I "hope" with all of my heart that God brings me thru this a better and stronger person than I am now. But sometimes it is so hard to believe when we cannot see. I can't see the future. I don't really know what God's plan is for my life. I hope and pray that he let's me live to raise my 3 beautiful children, but I have to trust that he can see the whole picture where as I can only see what is in front of me. That is so scary to have to trust him with that but that is Faith. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to have that faith. Because without it I could not do this. And then I think how much scarier would all of this be if I didn't know God. I hope and pray that each person who reads my journey can see that this, my cancer, is going to be for the good. Satan might have meant it for evil or to do me in but God is going to take this a use it to make a difference in someones life. It has already changed me and my outlook on life. I hope and pray that it will change you too.

Back in January, Shane & I went on a weekend trip with my cousin Nikki & Kenny to McCall, ID. We had so much fun. It was relaxing and we all had a really good time together. While there Nikki and I went shopping and I found a wall plate with the following saying:

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to be over, But Learning to Dance in the Rain."

I had bought it for my mom. Little did I know how much that saying would me to me once I got home. Because that is when I found my lumps. So I am not just waiting for this storm to pass but I am learning to "Dance in the Rain"

Thank you to everyone who prays for me on a daily basis. Trust me and know that I feel it. I don't even feel like I have cancer. I feel really good. And I know it is only by the grace of God that that is even possible.

I still haven't lost any hair. But they say it will probably happen by next Monday. I am nervous over that every morning when I wake up I am looking at my pillow. But one day at a time.

My wonderful Aunt Janet has sent me 4 new hats. So I will take pictures tomorrow and pose & post them for everyone to see. They are really adorable. Thank you Aunt Janet.

Good Night for now

Rachael

Life Goes On

Here is an adorable picture of CaityBug with my hat on. She is mine,but she is so cute. Those big blue eyes like her Daddy. She is such a lovebug. I just thought this would make you smile because it did me.

I have been thinking lately about me getting cancer. One of my thought is about my precious baby girl that I feel like I have waited all my life for. For as far back as I can remember all I have wanted to be was a mom and to at least have 1 little girl. I could never picture my future without one. I just knew God would answer my prayers someday. And even after I had a miscarriage before Caitlyn Rose, I still knew God would answer my heartfelt lifelong prayer to have a baby girl. And he did. I finally have my little girl. I know now how my mom must have felt as she held me in her arms. All the dreams, wishes & desires you have for this child that God has so richly blessed you with all bundled up in this little person.

My thoughts lately have led me to wonder "What if this would have happened when I was pregnant with Caitlyn?" "Maybe God waited till I had my lifelong prayer answered." I am so thankful that he did see fit to bless me with this beautiful child who makes me laugh everyday. She is truly my sunshine during this not so bright time in our lives. I love to see how she looks at Shane as he walks thru the door with those big adoring eyes and shouts, "DaDa!!" when she hears the door open and runs to him.

There is just something special about Daddies and their little girls. I am very grateful for both of mine. I think they both did a pretty good job of raising me. God must have thought I was going to be a handful and thought I needed a double dose or something. They are totally different but love me for who I am. I love you both. Thank you for making me the lady, mom, daughter, wife, & sister that I am today. I love you Dad. I love you Tony! Thank you for what you have instilled in me because that is what makes me what I am today.

So today amidst all the hustle & bustle of life. Which today included helping mom unpack,still. How can one person have so much stuff???? I shampooed the carpets in the living room which desperately needed it after a weekend of movers, kids & dogs & snow. Isabella came over for a while so Yesenia could run a few errands and not have her out in the cold. (She has been sick for about a week with a cold/congestion) And the boys were home from school again because of the snow which they still had spelling & reading homework to do so they would not be behind and have to do a lot the rest of the week. (Mean Mommy, I know) I also cooked Turkey Cutlets for dinner and of course a load or 2 of laundry. (A must)

My point is that even with all of this I knew I needed to take time out to spend with the boys and Caitlyn. Life is so precious and they all are growing up too fast. The boys and I sat down and read a chapter book together about a Ghost Town. It was fun and they were practicing their reading. After dinner, I gave Caitlyn an extra long bath just because she likes too. And hey what else is so important that I just have to be doing? Nothing!!! She sat on the floor and read her books about Dora and Melmo(Elmo) as she calls it. And tried to sing, "Tinkle Tinkle" Little star!! I rocked her longer than I had to or than I normally do, just because. It didn't matter that there is still a load of laundry in the dryer , the playroom is not perfectly clean, there are still dishes to dry on the counter from dinner, & mom's office is still a disaster. Because as I sat there rocking my baby girl, all is right with me, my family, & the world. And Life Truly Does Go On!!!!

All my Love,

Rachael Renea

Good News

Good Good News!!!Yeah!!!!

Today I am sitting in the Doctor's office having my 2nd Herceptin treatment. Only 50 more to go!!! Anyway, I met with Dr. Limentani before my treatment and he examined me. He said my tumors have already significantly shrunk in size after only one treatement. Thank you Jesus!!! I thought they felt different but didn't know if it was just me and wishful thinking. But he confirmed it today. He said, "I would categorize this as a "great response". Even better than we could have hoped." My blood counts were really good. They said above 1 is good and mine were 2.8. Awesome!!! I only had to get stuck once today so that is always a good thing too.

The last few days have been just OK. I have had a killer headache/migraine. I don't know what it is but it sucks!!! I feel carsick in my head only, sinus headache, dizzy like my equilibrium is off all in one giant headache. YUCK!! But I still am not pucking. Thank God!! They told me to try and take Tylenol & Advil together to kick this headache. It just makes me not want to do anything because moving around makes me dizzy even more. So I have taken the meds and it is starting to ease off a little. Shane says,"Good!!" Apparently he thinks I have been a little grumpy these last few days.

We got Mom all moved in this weekend in the rain. It was so messy though. So now I have my Mom, 3 kids, husband & 2 dogs living with me. Wow!! What a household! I am sure they will never be a dull moment for quite a while in the Higginbotham Household. Mom is continuing to unpack and try to make herself at home in our home. I have been no help at all not being able to be up and around without my head killing me. So her & Shane have been on their own. Shane did all the laundry last night with mom's washer & dryer. He likes all the buttons and says,"I like to customize my loads." Go figure.

It snowed last night and was just beautiful. Snow in March. That is Carolina for you. The kids are out of school and went to play with Dustin & Yessie on the big hill in back of his house. They were pretty excited. I hope they have a lot of fun. They have been really good this week with really trying not to fight. But they are really excited about Grandma moving in too. She has told them she is going to redecorate their rooms. Chandler wants a Star Wars Room. Connor we are still deciding.

We are almost done with treatment and Shane is going to take me out to lunch. Not sure where but a good burger sounds good to me.

Love to all,

Rachael