Day 15

Today is the 15th day since I started chemotherapy. Today wasn't a good day. I at first noticed that a strand of hair here and there. Then I was rubbing my hand thru my hair and a clump of about 20 strands of hair came out. I guess I was doing so good and no signs of my hair coming out that I really thought maybe I won't lose it. But I did in more ways then one. I was laying in bed when Shane came home to get the boys to take them for a haircut and he asked me what was wrong, because I am never in bed when he gets home. I started to cry and told him that my hair was falling out. He asked, "How do you know?" I grabbed my hair and pulled. And another clump came out. All I could do was sob and tell him I didn't want it to fall out and to be ugly. He said I was being ridiculous and that if the roles were reversed it wouldn't bother me. That is true but I think for ladies it is a little different. Maybe it is just me but I hate this part. I had Shane comb my hair a little before going back downstairs, as he did I could feel all the strands of hair falling out on my shoulders & arms. I just told Shane, "Please stop. I can feel it falling all over me." Then cried some more. I knew it would be hard and that I would cry but emotionally I feel like crap. I dread how I know that I will feel looking at myself in the mirror, wondering if my husband still finds me attractive or if the kids will think their mommy looks wierd and won't want to be close to me . I know the words are there but actually seeing someone with a bald head is a little different. I know with all my heart that Shane is not that shallow but I think it will be harder to see me like that then he thinks. Connor hugged me today after I discovered that my hair was starting to fall out and pulled his hand away from my hair and had a clump of hair in his hand. I told him, "Mommy's hair is starting to fall out." He just pointed to my wig and gave me a big hug. I am sure all this is totally normal but right now it feels as if I am the only one going thru it. I know that is not true and is selfish & probably narrow minded but right now that is how I feel.

Shane is going to help me wash my hair tonight because I am too sore to lift my arm to do it myself. I am dreading that because I know now that it is going to fall out when he does & I can't bear to see all my hair "go down the drain" LOL Hey I made a joke!! Go figure. I guess somewhere in there my sense of humor still lies, but right now it feels a little dormant.

I will just have to remember today that: HIS strength is perfect when my strength is gone. He'll carry us when we can't carry on. Raised in his power the weak become strong. His strength is perfect. His strength is perfect.

It will get better I know. And I know it will be OK eventually but tonight I miss my hair, my femininity that I feel I am going to lose. Sorry this is such a depressing post but I guess some days are just like that on this "journey".

Love to all,
Rachael

PS. Thank you Babe for your constant reassurance of your never ending love for me no matter what. I love you. Forever & Ever Amen