Giving Our Best

Shane & I at the Rob Thomas Concert

Well last week was a mess. Other than Caitlyn's Birthday of course. Starting with Monday with my doctors appointments. So I went back on Tuesday and had 100cc more taken out. I felt like I was shrinking away. I went back to the Radiation Oncologist that afternoon. He says, "We are going to need to take more out." "What?" At that point I dissolved into tears. He apologized profusely but what could I do. They were trying not to radiate my heart and lungs. Who am I to argue with that. So I went back on Wednesday morning and had more taken out. Another 100 cc's, go back to R.Oncologist, guess what? Still to big. Are you joking???? Thursday rolls around and I go and have 175 cc's taken out, just to be sure we have enough this time. They were able to do all of my scans & make my markings. This is done with a paint pen and then a clear sticker put over that so it won't come off in the shower. I finally went home. On Friday, they call and say they just can't get the right angle without radiating part of my right breast. If they do I could get cancer in that side also. How does that work? Use it on the left to kill cancer but if you do it on the right you get cancer? Crazy Huh??!! My sentiments exactly. So yet again I had to go in this Monday for them to do some kind of bra that is heated at 160 degrees in water and then placed directly across my chest. Very hot for about 5 seconds. Then they placed a 40 lb lead weight on my right breast to squish it down and out of the way. Next they clamped the sides of this magnificent plastic bra down to the metal slab I was laying on. It took 2 hours. My back was so sore. What an ordeal. I really was thinking I am just going to skip this part of treatment and move on. But then I thought of how far I have already come and just a little more. Next I thought if this cancer ever came back and I didn't do everything in my power to fight it, I would never forgive myself. So I go back today for the final films and markings and start actual radiation therapy tomorrow at 11:30am. WooHoo!!!

In church on Sunday, we were singing the song: "Giving my Best to You Lord"

There've been many times that I've let You down

Searching for happiness but none to be found

To think that the price

You paid for me

Wasn't in vain all that agony

But I'm here to say

I've had my ups and my downs

But I am here now to stay

Because of the love that I've found

Now I'm giving my best to You Lord

All that I have

I won't withhold

Giving my best to you Lord

All of my heart and all of my soul

I just wept. Have I really been giving God my best? I feel as if right now in my life I don't have that much to offer him. But what about when I felt like I did and everything in our lives were going so great? Giving my best sometimes in the hard times of life when we feel as if God has stripped us down to nothing worth offering or serving him with anything worthy of him is when God is finally ready for us to give HIM our Best. He had to take something away to get us to the place where he could use us. He had to strip away our pride, unbelief & take us from our comfort zones to get our attention. Boy does He have mine!!!

I still feel very humbled though at the thought that at times when I would pray for me & my family that God would help us to draw nearer to him that he heard my cry. Lowly me and has used Breast Cancer to shake the very foundation of what we thought was our "Perfect Life". Do I like having to go thru this or see my family go thru this? NO. But when I see us as a family drawing closer together and them growing in Christ. It is worth every trial & heartache. And when things someday go back to "normal" or what they used to be, I will appreciate & enjoy every moment that much more knowing how blessed we really are. I don't think I really thought that before. My thinking was more along the lines of "Thank you God for allowing me to have such a hard working husband who provides for us." Well that is true, but God is the true giver of all things & I know I didn't appreciate how "Good" our life truly was. Yes I knew we were doing well, have a nice home & 3 beautiful children but not really comprehending "What a Wonderful Life" we really was.

Last night, Shane took me to a Rob Thomas concert. I hadn't really listened to much of his music but found I really did enjoy it. A few of the songs had a deep heart felt meaning to them. And as I stood there on a cool September evening with the love of my life standing behind me with his arms wrapped around me, I again was overwhelmed of how blessed I am. We still have each other and our children and no matter what that is what matters. The words to one of the songs:

Ever the Same

We would stand in the wind

We were free like water

Flowing down

Under the warmth of the sun

Now it's cold and we're scared

And we've both been shaken

Hey, look at us man... This doesn't need to be the end!

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart

Just let me hold you and we'll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be

Forever with you

Forever in me

Ever the same

Call on me

And I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me

Forever it's you

Forever in me

Ever the same

You may need me there

To carry all your weight

But you're no burden I assure

You tide me over

With a warmth I'll not forget

But I can only give you love

Hearing Shane sing in my ear of how we are cold, scared and shaken but to just "Fall on Me". It was literally music to my ears. The part about being a burden made me cry all the more. I have felt that way thru out this "Journey" but I assure you it has never been because my husband has made me feel that way. He has been awesome thru this whole thing. And I love him desperately forever because he is always there for me no matter what.

As I write I am somewhat convicted that as much as I fall on Shane, our heavenly Father wants us to "Fall on Him". As much as I love Shane, which sometimes is so overwhelming to me the love that I feel for this man that God gave to me & I know he loves me, however How Much More Does Our Heavenly Father Love Us!"

Father forgive me for taking your love and protection for granted. I know you have our lives in your hand & I cannot wait to see what you have on the other side of this mountain for our family. It must be awesome. Help me to trust you completely. Take me, for what I feel like is a broken vessel, and use me as you will. I cast all of my cares on you. Help me to leave them with you. Amen

So again I am reminded of how blessed I am and I have a very thankful heart right now. Now matter what is going on in our lives or the world around us, I am loved by God, my husband & children.

Love & Prayers,

Rachael