Keep Moving On

Today is Thursday and I have my first post op appointment at Dr. Criswell's. I am hoping they will take at least 2 of the 3 drains out. They are really uncomfortable and the stitches are annoying me. Only one of the drains continues to have about 15 cc each time so not sure if she will take that one out.


Under my arms it feels really swollen, numb and distorted. Not quite sure if that is from the lymph nodes or just the surgery in general. I am pretty bruised in some areas. Where I should have a cleavage it is flat and then spans out just a little. My "breasts" right now looked really deformed and abnormal. All of the comments about how well they look, and considering what I have been thru do not help. I still feel horrible when I look at myself. Self esteem is pretty low right now. One of the weird things is I have a "phantom" feeling of sorts. I have heard of people who lose a limb but not a breast having it. But it feels like when you are nursing your baby and they cry and it is time to feed them, you get this tingling feeling. How weird that I feel it now. It makes me sad too though because I know I will never have or be able to nurse another baby of my own. I am grateful for the ones I did but it seems like a painful reminder of what it was like.


I am still slow and mild pain. I take ambien to go to sleep and stay asleep. When you have to sleep on your back no matter what & you are not used to it, it makes it hard to go to sleep. Mom has been great getting me anything I might need. And Shane when he gets home too. I miss the boys a lot. They come home from camp tomorrow. Yeah. They have an award ceremony before they come home. I am going to see how I feel and maybe go.


The things you take for granted. Taking a shower by yourself, even getting dressed. I can only lift my arms so high right now. Hard to put a shirt on. Plus you have all these tubes and drains to maneuver around also. It pulls even to pick up a full cup of coffee. Taking a deep breath without feeling pressure. Picking up you baby girl when she is crying for you. It hurts not to be able to. And the way I feel it will probably be a week more. Fixing dinner. Just everyday things. Even typing it pulls in your upper arms. Who knew! Audra is taking care of Caitbug, mom went to get a few things at the store. My neighbor Stacie is bringing dinner/dessert by tonight. Ashley made us Tuesday, salad, corn casserole, & beef tips over rice & dessert. It was Yummy. Thank you so much Ashley.


I am feeling a little stronger everyday. It is just such a slow process. Shane constantly reminds me that this is only the first phase of surgeries and there will be more to come that will make everything look better. God I really hope so. I will let you all know how post op goes today. Thank you for your prayers.

Rachael